UnNews:US Develops Vaccine For World Cup Fever
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US Develops Vaccine For World Cup Fever
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, September 5, 2015, 02:22:UTC)(
13 June 2006
(Washington, DC) American scientists have made a breakthrough in combating the virus that causes the deadly World Cup Fever. The Centers for Disease Control announced the creation of vaccine at a press conference today, just as the deadly disease was starting to encroach the country's population.
The World Cup Fever virus has a cyclical lifespan, lying dormant for four years and then re-emerging with deadly new mutations. The last pandemic struck in 2002, and experts say this year's could be even worse. Europe is particularly hard hit, with Germany appearing to be the center of the outbreak. But South America, particularly Brazil and Argentina, have also been gravely affected. With millions succumbing to the fever, productivity is down, schools have closed, and local pubs are overwhelmed.
The vaccine, in its preliminary stages of testing, is already showing much promise. A team of inoculated American soccer players visiting Germany was completely unaffected by the disease, with zero of them being infected; in contrast, a Czech soccer team in the same town had 2 people succumb to World Cup Fever. Jan Koller became infected after just five minutes, while Tomas Rosicky seems to have been infected by 2 different strains, according to experts. When interviewed at a nearby pub, all he could manage to mumble was "gooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal" before slumping back to his compendium of margarita-based beverages. This preliminary trial was controversial, as many scientists have suggested that Americans are genetically immune to World Cup Fever.
Symptoms of the fever include flag waving, bodypainting, hooliganism, and skin de-pigmentation. A recent study conducted by the CDC revealed that a minor infection turns the skin yellow, while a major one, surprisingly enough, similarly turns it a yellowy-green. "At that stage," grimly admitted the Surgeon General, "the patient is essentially expelled from this life and into the sidelines of death."
For national security reasons, details about the new vaccine are being kept secret, but an anonymous US government source revealed that the concoction goes by the code name "baseball", but is only effective on generic US citizens. Different variations are being developed to combat each mutated strain of World Cup Fever. There are reportedly 8 strains, or "groups" of the fever, classified alphabetically as A through H. In each four year cycle, one of these "groups" will usually become known as the "Group Of Death"
Meanwhile, the Pentagon is worried that terrorists and rogue nations may use World Cup Fever as a bio-weapon of mass destruction. "We have intelligence pointing to Iran having successfully harnessed the power of the Fever," revealed CIA director Hayden. The Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, however, promptly assured the public otherwise. "The threat has been dealt with by the Mexican military last Sunday," he vocalized just last week.
Before the vaccine is distributed nationwide in the USA, the US Department of Health and Human Services, in cooperation with FIFA (Foreign Immunization & Fitness Association), recommends all US citizens take the following precautions in order to avoid contracting the deadly Fever:
- Stay away from women driving minivans, especially with children; these disease carriers are also known as "World Cup Fever Moms"
- The Fever is more prevalent in "foreign" countries. Make sure you do not travel to anywhere in the world marked "foreign" (state code FN)
- When discussing "football," ensure that it is specifically "American Football"
- Allow plenty of time for commercial breaks in sporting events in which you participate
- Do not allow any sporting match to end in a tie; have as many overtimes as is necessary
- Ensure all large, round balls in your home are orange; call 911 immediately if you see a ball with a black & white pattern. (remember: dialling 911 in "foreign" countries can cause erratic results. Stay at home... always!)
- Do NOT kick balls with your feet. Instead, pick them up with your hands and run as fast as your flabby legs will carry you. Make sure you are adequately protected by wearing big plastic shoulder pads to make you look 'butch' and pants that cling tightly to your ass. When picking up the ball, bend over with your ass clearly protruding - making sure you have a friend waiting close behind you to "receive" your balls.