UnNews:US Capitol gripped by Riots, Lactose Intolerance, and Protestantism
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US Capitol gripped by Riots, Lactose Intolerance, and Protestantism
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, May 26, 2016, 03:03:UTC)(
7 October 2009
WASHINGTON DC -- In Washington, D.C., in an incident completely unrelated to UnNews, the boobs of the previous administration seem to be flocking away in herds and droves. The piles of dust left behind from the Enron scandal now serve as sand dunes for the upcoming congressionally appointed beaches of Washington, now gives visitors the feel of tropical paradise. But yet, as the vacuum that is now consuming the dark corners of the capital, from the so quick removal of those previously mentioned boobs, a new uprising is now imminent.
Far in the distance, down Pennsylvania avenue, an agitated crowd demanding their voices be heard by the leaders of the US capitol, chant their demands and carry signs of protest. Some rumor that the crowd spurned by confusion spawned by the lack of belief that King Bush actually renounced the throne of the American Empire, has begun rioting as the demands for any explanation over the loss of dairy go unabashedly ignored by political pundants.
In the crowd, a laid-off ice cream factory worker chants--"Show Us Your Tits!!" and stops to explain how the near instantaneous loss of boobs in Washington has caused a irreversible halt of all dairy products to flow anywhere near the capitol. "Heh! yeah most of us here are on straight coffee!...I I know Petey over there, can't stand decaf, I swear it looks like he's going mad!!"
All over the capitol it rings much of the same story, the scene is much like to that of paranoia and suspended confusion. People are in absolute disbelief that the Bush administration has actually left. Consider this if you will, the clerk at the local Starbucks behaving much like Bobcat Goldthwait on a caffeine rush. "I- I- I- I- I- don't know what to do!! rrrrrr-aaaaaa " explains the clerk as calmly as circumstances permit. "We ran out of fake dairy products a month aaaaaago." as he peers over his shoulder in complete paranoia. "Um I think I need to go now before the interns go on break from congress," he whispers as he mysteriously disappears in the dark shadows of the now dusty run-down Starbucks.
As gloom and peril overshadows the capitol, quite a different story is found in the midwest as this dairy farmer posts his opinion with UnNews. "Well shoot, I ain't ne'er heard such a dumbass story, whats one got to do with another, I'm just happy that milk prices are back over gas prices, ya know gallon per gallon." Even the greedy bastards of Wall Street are clueless to the loss of dairy services to the capitol. "The rest of the country has the usual steady supply," says one Wall Street analyst.
Ann Coulter had this to say in an interview about the current problem in Washington, "Oh FUCK you! You god-damn lying liberal hippocrits are screwing our nation sideways, I only trust Fox News and...and...and what fucking news service did you say you are with?? UnNews?? What the Fuck is UnNews??" she queried yellingly like she needed anal lube, "Get out of here, you sexist liberal scumbags, before I call the cops!!!"
Currently the crowds all chant the words of the infamously anonymous poet who first wrote "Show me your tits!" because they weren't getting enough porn. Now the people aren't getting cream in their mocca choka lattes, God help them!! Before the man starts feeding them Soylent Green!!!!!
- A hard lining street reporter doing his duty for UnNews for pathetic chump change.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|