UnNews:US Border Patrol ready to catch 300 millionth immigrant
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17 October 2006
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EL PASO, TX -- The United States Border Patrol is beefing up its ranks in preparation for apprehending the nation's 300 millionth immigrant on Tuesday morning. Using a complex and 100% accurate algorithm, the US Census Bureau has determined that the immigrant, Mexican citizen Jose Vasquez, will cross somewhere along the southern border at precisely 5:46 a.m. Mountain Time. Technology isn't yet sophisticated enough to locate the exact crossing point.
The United States is now the world's third largest country by population, with 99.99% of it being composed of immigrants. It is a national tradition to apprehend and deport newcomers at certain milestones. In 1967, when the immigrant population hit 200 million, President Lyndon Johnson held a public celebration before deporting hippie Canadian immigrant Johnnie Bongpipe. Likewise, in 1915 President Woodrow Wilson personally visited Ellis Island and dragged 100 millionth immigrant Seamus O'Brian onto a ship bound back to Ireland.
Border patrol agents, joined by volunteer Minuteman, are anxious about the event. "We really don't want to screw this up," revealed one nervous officer. Even National Guard units were sent to the border, but ordered not to "shoot on sight" as is the normal procedure. Installing a new floodlight along an Arizona security fence, soldier Henry Tales remarked, "We'll get 'im alright. Jose ain't getting away." Meanwhile, Mexican media reported that Mr. Vasquez reached Tijuana 3 days ago, and has since departed for the desert to attempt a crossing at an undisclosed location.
President Bush is gearing up excitedly for the event, oblivious to the precarious situation his fellow Republicans in Congress are in before the upcoming elections. White House Press Secretary Tony Snow hinted that Mr. Vasquez might even be deported not back to Mexico, but rather to Guantanamo Bay. "Lets just say that we're going to make certain that this man doesn't attempt to get into our country for free Medicare ever again," Mr. Snow said cryptically at a press conference. The President himself is using the occasion to remind Americans about the War on Terror and its consequences. "We must remember the lessons of 9/11," Bush said in a televised speech, "if those thousands of Americans hadn't died, the 300 millionth immigrant would have actually crossed at 9:15 p.m. tonight. That means I wouldn't have to wake up at the ungodly hour of 5 a.m. to attend the ceremony."
Statisticians at the US Census Bureau are already gathering data to compute who the 400 millionth immigrant will be. Experts say that may be very difficult to determine because once Iran is annexed by the United States, those people will become citizens all at once. "But we're hoping that the preceding war will have killed so many Iranians that the annexation won't actually put us over the 400 million threshold," optimistically predicted project leader Dr. Strangelove.