UnNews:US Army women cadets wash out

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search

Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.
US Army women cadets wash out

Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard

UnNews Logo Potato
Saturday, March 17, 2018, 02:26:59 (UTC)

F iconNewsroomAudio (staff)Foolitzer Prize

Feed-iconIndexesRandom story

10 May 2015

Hand to Hand

Cadets simulate unorthodox combat at Fort Benning, as it is the white guy's turn to try to take the black guy's lunch money.

FORT BENNING, Georgia -- The U.S. Army increased its readiness-alert status after all of the historic 19 women recruits into the Rangers washed out without completing the first phase.

A total of 120 soldiers have washed out of the class of 400, meaning the first-ever gender-integrated class is back to being segregated. Top brass are aware that Hillary Clinton is likely to accuse Republicans of conducting their "War on Women" — with husband Bill doing most of the dirty work — and the armed services had assembled a mixed class for fear of being caught in the same net. Eight of the women will retake the grueling exam, but it is not clear whether any will receive "social promotions."

The reasons the female cadets did not complete the first round included the following:

  • Splashing mud required pauses for make-up repair.
  • Some women refused to run the obstacle course wearing a head-to-toe birqa to simulate actual war in Arabia under U.S. rules of engagement.
  • Most of the women could not lift their backpacks, and none could carry a fallen comrade to safety.

The Joint Chiefs of Staff will meet next week in Washington, D.C. to discuss ways in which Ranger training could be redesigned for greater fairness to women. Several of the Chiefs have proposed lightening the load women would take into combat. Actual rifles, for example, could be replaced by Derringer-shaped cigarette lighters, and when there is a man down in battle, a woman could find another man and ask to borrow a winch to drag the casualty away from enemy gunfire, assuming a third male soldier will go into the battle zone to attach the hook to him.

Unfortunately, the heaviest component in the G.I. backpack is the rulebook, and there seems no way to lighten that.

Plenty of African American soldiers made it to the second round of Ranger training on the first try. The Army eased requirements for them last year, when it allowed them to loot the P.X. while burning down the base and gave them the right to "Don't Snitch" when a Board of Inquiry is held about it.

edit Sources

Personal tools