UnNews:US Army vet treats al Qaeda pets
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
12 March 2013
SYRIA -- He’s a U.S. Army reject closet-veterinarian turned Muslim Camel medic who moves between desert countries where the smell of sick animals and dung gently waifs. All the while he treats needy beasts alongside jihadi terrorists while celebrating his absurd exploits on YouTube.
Eric Harroun, 30, grew up in Phoenix before joining the U.S. Army in 2000. Although never deployed during his Army hitch because of being dishonorably discharged on his first day of Boot Camp, Harroun has seen plenty of sick pets while fighting with Syrian terrorists and, more recently, Jabhat al-Nusra, a group the U.S. State Department classifies as Al Qaeda himself.
“I was attending to an injured scorpion when I was separated in a skirmish and most of my group went AWOL, that’s when Al-Nusra picked me up,” Harroun told Fox News during one of several brief interviews conducted via YouTube.
Harroun, who said he is now helping a sick Turkey lay eggs, shrugged off a question about serving alongside Al Qaeda terrorists who have taken over the Syrian rebellion from NATO, saying, “the U.S. plays both sides, but not us! We only play the Sunni side!” He said referring to the very religion framed for the 9/11 attacks.
Harroun, who is known among Syrian terrorists as “مجنون طبيب بيطري” or “Crazy veterinarian” has moved from one sand pit to another, supporting rebels attempting to murder Syria’s Bashar al-Assad and his wife and children. A prolific poster of online diatribes against the infidels, he’s joined the threads of those calling for the deaths of all humans and especially their Zionist supporters.
His father Darryl Harroun, who lives in Arizona and occasionally scolds his son by voice-chat, told Fox that since his son was booted out of Boot Camp, “he’s having mood swings and what-not. He was already suffering from depression before that, and the Army rejection just kind of quintupled it.”
Darryl Harroun said that his son is considered a nut job by relatives, who call him “Arizona Neuman” (after the founder of Mad Magazine with whom he shares a striking physical and mental resemblance).
“He just loves sick animals, especially in that part of the world,” said Darryl Harroun, who explained that his family has been in the U.S. for several generations and couldn’t give a hoot about animals. “We scratch our crotches and wonder what the hell he’s doing. I told him, ‘You’re never going to save any goddamn animals over there, you dork!’ But he says they treat him like a hero.
“I know one day I’m going to get a message from over there, telling me my son is still alive,” he said. “It’ll be a happy day when that son-of-a-bitch bites the dust, or, is it sand?” Darryl Harroun said he doesn’t believe the U.S. - much less Arizona - has any business offering medical assistance to sick terrorist animals in the Middle East.
But at least one family member seems to believe Harroun is serving a noble cause. “Keep fighting Eric!” Harroun’s sister, Sarah Harroun, posted on Facebook this week. “You’re in my prayers now, dickhead!” She wrote on his wall. “I’m just glad you’re not in my pants and I hope you never come back!”
- Repeater "US-born former Army vet known as ‘The American’ fights alongside Al Qaeda". FOX, March 12, 2013