UnNews:US Army looking for 'undead' soldiers
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US Army looking for 'undead' soldiers
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, May 27, 2016, 20:05:UTC)(
7 January 2007
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Washington, D. C. - Today, the US military started handing out leaflets to the dead, asking if they would like a second life in the Army. This has caused much confusion among the general public, but is widely considred to be a good move, due to the fact that using the immortal as soldiers is much more efficient than using soldiers who might actually die, thus having to be recruited all over again.
"Well, of course, it's a great idea," said General George S. Patton. "I was getting damned bored in Heaven when my letter came through! I think it should be compulsory that all dead people should spend at least a year in the Army; they'll never have felt so alive!"
Letters have already been sent to over 3,000 Army officers who have been killed in action in Iraq, and the military says that, due to the success of this recruitment drive, they are planning to recruit soldiers from every war ever.
"Of course, there are rules," said Captain V.Craisy, who came up with the idea. "We don't want Nazis or commies joining the Army. . . then again. . . we don't want to be sued by these minorities. Patton's right, everyone's allowed in the Army!"
The US Army will withdraw all living soldiers from Iraq once there are enough dead soldiers to do the job, although this may be very soon as not many immortal soldiers are needed. Britain was also planning this, although they have not been as successful. The first recruit they managed to get was ex Pink Floyd member Syd Barrett who, on his first day of service, was responsible for the massacre of over 8000 people. He has since been withdrawn from the Army and now works as a traffic warden in Barnsley.