UnNews:US Army in conflict with new enemy
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
US Army in conflict with new enemy
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, July 3, 2015, 18:28:UTC)(
4 December 2010
CLASSIFIED LOCATION -- The United States Army has been fighting a losing battle here. Over the past 32 hours, a classified number of personnel have been engaged in conflict. The US Government has issued strict policies that journalists can't reveal anything that might put lives at risk in this classified conflict. But I'm a journalist, and I don't listen to the law.
The exact identity of the enemy is available only on a need-to-know basis, and you as a civilian do not need to know--but this enemy is unlike any that US troops have faced before. The battlefield here is in utter chaos--in fact, I don't even know how I'm typing you this report amidst all the destruction. There are missiles being fired, bullets being fired, and it seems that even some bodyparts have been fired at the enemy because of the ammunition ammounts we have left. The enemy seems to show no intelligence whatsoever, as they haven't even confirmed their presence, a move that defeats the whole purpose of war.
The troops have received little intel on this operation, which makes fighting the enemy very difficult. Some of the officers deployed here have said that perhaps the enemy is utilizing new camoflauge techniques that we haven't discovered yet. This led to speculation that the enemy was actually amongst them, which resulted in that group of officers actually killing eachother. I was talking to some Soldiers before and they likened the conflict to Age of Empires.
It is disputed whether the enemy exists at all, and to what end we are fighting. A Communist soldier said (before he was killed), "THIS FIGHT IS A WASTE OF TAXPAYERS' MONEY!" When he showed no remorse for the outburst, his platoon instantly took care of him. There are some new soldiers here, who have been deployed for the first time. I caught up with them, just ahead of the friendly fire. "I only enlisted because Call of Duty made me think war was like, easy! and i didn't know you couldnt respawn, or just disconnect if you where loosing. ****, I can't even blame anything on my connection quality." Inspiring words.
One of the leaders of the operation, Commander Sating, said, "We are keeping all possibilities open. The enemy may have been defeated hours ago, and retreated. They might be Australians, Then again, they're far too advanced in military tactics for that. It's more likely they are Nazis. Only an enemy with such sophisticated doctrines could ever think of the tactic to not return fire. They've got us completly pinned- we don't know whether to call in for reinforcements, because they might have some sort of big-ass motherfucking weapon back there. If we call in artillery, they might use anti-aircraft cannons, which are very effective on artillery, as opposed to what the name implies. We can't just go in there either, they won't be expecting it so it's not very fair."
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|