UnNews:USA to deport all redheads following spy drama
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USA to deport all redheads following spy drama
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, October 1, 2016, 10:27:UTC)(
9 July 2010
Identifying the colour red as a possible giveaway to secret political allegiances, the Department of Homeland Security has issued instructions that all red heads - natural and ones out of the bottle - be placed under watch. This follows the unmasking of Anna Chapman, a Russian born spy known originally as Anya Hotrusskie-Fibski as the main organiser of a Russian espionage team who were planning to undermine America and plant agents of influence. Her targets are said to have included important TV chat shows. They also infiltrated Desperate Housewives and made sure that show always had a red head in the main cast. It was also noted that red headed Anna had been able to obtain free tickets to important social events where she was able to rub shoulders (and other body areas) with American businessmen, politicians and diplomats.
"Using the Glenn Beck methodology which we all respect in the department," said the department's head John Brennan, "then anyone who has read hair has to be classified as a possible agent of Russia. Even more so if they artificially dye their hair too. However are willing to be more lenient with ginger haired people as they persecuted enough, especially the artist known as Carrot Top." Brennan was a bit more vague how exactly the USA was going to remove known subversive red heads and if he was hoping to deport them all to Russia in the name of National Insecurity. However a list was leaked to the influential Fox News network and makes scary reading:
- Julianne Moore
- Christina Hendricks
- Jessica Simpson
- Jessica Rabbit
- Little Mermaid
Though the Department admits they don't have conclusive information that anyone on the list has been trying to over the USA government and banning hand guns in public lavatories, they have said it was better to be 'biased but safe'. In truth, her fashionable incorrectness is as such that no one would think she is a spy. Everyone thinks that Intellegence Units never hire people with without fashionable correctness. Her awful dress-sence was and is a cover up, but it was too perfect, and she has never learned from her mistake. It has to be a smokescreen, but it still got her busted.