USAF is Firin' Thah Lazor
A newsstand that's brimming with issues
Friday, May 25, 2018, 18:48:UTC)(
14 February 2010
EDWARDS AIR FORCE BASE, California - The calm of Valentine's Day morning was shattered off the coast of California as the United States Air Force (USAF) tested its newest weapons/defense system, a frickin laser. That's right, the Americans have lasers now! The modified Boeing 747 was fitted with the new system for the test, which occured at 5:46 AM local time. The test was administered with the joint cooperation of the Marine Corps. Gen. James T. Conway, current commandant of the Marines, had this to say to UnNews on the joint operations test; "How on earth could we pass up the opportunity to mess around with fricken lasers? I mean, even if the Air Force gets to try out the goodies first, Marines love destructive shit like that!"
The test started with the launching of an undisclosed type of ballistic missile from the coast of California, aimed at Hawaii. The specially outfitted aircraft then intercepted the coordinates of the missile as both were in-flight, and charged it's laser. After a period of charging, it released the beam of energy, drilling a hole into the missile and destroying it mid-flight. Crew members of Enola Eggs Benedict, as the plane has been named, gave exclamations of surprise and delight as they witnessed the awesome display of American firepower out of the port-side windows of the aircraft.
Gen. John P. Jumper, VMI graduate and retired Chief of Staff of the Air Force, had this to say about the test; " Incredible. I never thought I would live to see the day when we would not only be able to compete with the Soviets [Russians], but with the Galactic Empire as well. This is a great day for America."
Indeed the test made the Empire furious. The Imperial Senate immediately called for sanctions against earth. Emperor Palpatine released the following through Routers this morning; "The Empire is furious with the test of patented Imperial technology by the United States of America. Not only will we being suing the U.S. Air Force in galactic court, but we will hold the whole earth responsible for the theft of our technology." The Emperor's accusations seem to point to the assertion that the laser technology was not developed by the United States, but simply stolen in an act of espionage. Bothan spies had no comment on the matter at the time of press.