UnNews:UN establishes worldwide ban on anal sex

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2 October 2012

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Horseplay: But much of Sarah Silverman's success has been based on the idea that she is open to anal sex.

NEW YORK, New York -- A global ban on sodomy was established yesterday, after frenetic negotiations finally culminated in an agreement being signed, and a pro-anal bloc led by Greece and the former state of East Germany collapsed in the early hours of the morning like an old porn star's anal walls.

General Secretary of the UN Ban Ki Moon, whose name sounds a bit like Banky Moon, announced the ban outside the UN Headquarters. He was flanked by his predecessors Kofi Annan, whose name sounds a bit like a recovering coffee addicts meeting, and Boutros Boutros-Ghali, whose name sounds like a fart falling down the stairs.

Moon said, "This will lead to a sea change, first in pornography, and then, in what I have been asked to call a 'drip-down' effect, to sexual intercourse in general. My aims when I came to this job were to attack the three evils of the world: infant mortality, famine, and bum-sex. We are still having trouble with the first two, but given the subject matter, maybe it's appropriate we are doing things backwards."

Pornographic actor Seymour Butts who has not had non-anal sex for 13 years and may now be forced to change his name, posted on Twitter: "No anal? Are these guys nuts? No man wants to put his penis in a woman's vagina. That's where her pee comes out. #Nasty." Certainly, it will be intriguing to see what happens to the pornographic industry, and writers from every late-night talk show are expected to make jokes tonight about "the bottom falling out of the market".

Further afield, social commentators are divided as to whether the ban will lead to a real reduction in bumming. There are fears that the practice will be driven underground, and that the price of KY jelly, which has no other legitimate use, will skyrocket. The potential rise of anal-sex-themed "speakeasy"-style bars was mooted, but no one has yet thought of a convincing pun to make it really work.

Come what may, some welcomed the news. Your girlfriend looked dead-eyed at this UnNews correspondent and said: "No more anal sex? God. I am so bummed [sic]. No anal sex. Devastated. Really I am. There's nothing your average girl likes more than having her boyfriend kneeling over her backside, spilling half a bottle of lube all over her clean bedsheets, and then poking and prodding around her shitbox when - guess what? - there's another hole that lubricates itself and might just get me off for a change."

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