UnNews:UK under attack from snow
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UK under attack from snow
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, March 22, 2018, 20:16:UTC)(
8 February 2007
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LONDON, UK -- Winter has hit the UK this morning with large parts of the country covered in a blanket of snow. A spokesman for the UK Meteorological office spoke to UnNews: "I would say that we have had nearly a foot of snow, if you gathered all of it up and put it in a pile."
Unusually for the UK, the adverse weather conditions have resulted in absolute chaos, with virtually all forms of transportation grinding to a halt. Train services have been cancelled across the country, all the major UK airports have been closed and boats are refusing to leave harbour because they say they are are scared.
"It is impossible for vehicles to operate in these treacherous conditions - we don't know why but they just won't work," Secretary of State for Transport Douglas Alexander commented, "We think this snow may be of a supernatural origin: we are looking into hiring David Blaine to make it go away."
In contrast to the disruption on public transport, private motorists appear to be unaffected, a spokesman for the Automobile Association told us. "It doesn't make any difference to us, we just keep on driving the same as usual wind, rain or snow; winter tyres? Who needs 'em?"
In unrelated news, the UK Highways Agency say that all major and many minor roads are now closed due to traffic accidents, including a thousand car pile-up on the M1. "They just keep on coming," an ambulance driver attending the scene admitted, "they have been crashing now continuously for an hour and they just keep on coming."
David Blaine, asked if he had been approached by the UK government responded, "Those guys are just nuts, now get off my lawn."
It is thought that the freak weather may be caused by the angry monkeys, or possibly a visit from Jack Frost III