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UK to export North Sea water to the Middle East

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29 January 2015

Tanker

Tanker transporting cargo of sea water to the Middle East

LONDON, England -- As oil prices sink and North Sea crude oil production hits the rocks, the Prime Minister threw a life vest to an ailing bulk liquid sector. In the House of Commons, David Cameron announced plans to export crude North Sea water to the Middle East, in a bid to return to world leadership in the bulk liquid export business.

A recent report on international trade has shown that the UK's biggest exports are Scotch Whiskey, Wills-and-Kate plates, and people from England and Scotland. This has prompted a new trade deal, as Westminster struggles to find anything else that other countries find even remotely fresh, interesting, or desirable.

The summary, released this week, painted a stark picture of the UK's work demographic. The scathing report described London as a World Casino and likened the Government to metaphorical website: “Faceburiedinsandbook”.

At PMQ’s yesterday, the opposition Leader Ed Miliband told the the Prime Minister that charging £40 per hour for war is not the answer and asked how the Tory Party is going to get this Parliament over itself, before it drowns in its own smugness.

Mr Cameron said the answer "lies right opposite our run-down amusement arcades.

“Now the price of a barrel of oil has fallen to less than the price of a barrel, we are charting a course towards an exciting new trade deal with the Middle East, to export our own liquid gold.”

The PM’s strategy is to take our cold and choppy North Sea water and deliver it to the shores of the Red Sea, Persian Gulf and the Gulf of Oman, as it is unlikely that the price of this commodity will fall beneath its cost.

“I hear many tourists are complaining that the sea there is too hot and bum for surfing,” said the PM.

“The average wave height of North Sea water is two metres in the summer and up to twelve in the winter; the average temperature is 11 degrees Celsius. That will mean gnarly conditions for the waxheads in the Middle East and a refreshing relief from the blistering heat for everybody else.”

The PM’s plan is to load water into supertankers from current production platforms. The oil tankers will discharge their cargo along the beautiful beaches in and around the sub-tropical regions.

“The oil and gas sector will become the all new salt and water sector,” said Cameron, “375,000 jobs in the offshore industry will be saved and maritime pollution will be a thing of the past. The Bens and Tobys can “lay back”, “bottom turn” and “drop in” all day, and the tourist industry will be rejuvenated throughout the region. Our country, once again, will be a world leader in the export business.”

Titanic challenges lie ahead for those involved in the emerging industry, though, as tankers full of North Sea water roll up to 30 degrees, even at anchor in flat calm conditions. Mr Cameron has already tabled in Parliament a new subsidy for Dramamine.

The PM said his next project is to salvage a flagging yacht-racing sector, by looking to BAe Systems to devise a guided missile capable of delivering a brusque North Sea wind anywhere in the world within 45 minutes.

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