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UK terror threat level downgraded

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14 August 2006

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Iranian ambassador Allawi al-Durzai cheerfully demonstrates the joy of shooting sub-machine guns at cowardly infidels.

CORNWALL, UK -- The terror threat to the UK has been downgraded from "Ultra-super-critical" to "Semi-quite-severe". Home Secretary John Reid said the change was made because terrorists will "Defiantly get you! Well sooner or later. Probably later."

The change in the threat level means the ban on taking hand luggage on to flights from the UK has been lifted, although some restrictions remain. Like no hand luggage.

Meanwhile, a British Airways flight from Heathrow to New York has been turned back because a mobile phone - banned at the time - was on board. “It could have killed us all!” the hysterical captain informed reporters. “It just kept ringing. I thought I was dead.” According to passengers the phone appeared nervous, and was behaving suspiciously. Some passengers believed that the phone looked “Vaguely Arabic” and possibly “Had a beard”.

The change in the terror threat level was made by the Joint Terrorism Analysis Centre, based on latest hearsay and conjecture. “The decision is basically made, based on what we hear down the pub”, one investigator told us. “For example theirs this bloke called Eddie, who has a friend who knows a guy, who has an uncle whose tennis partner thinks that his auntie’s friend, who lives in Brighton. Is really his uncles brother who lives in Norwich, and owns a bag of fertilizer. And we all know what fertilizers used for…..bombs!”

The threat level was heightened last week amid fears that terrorists would cause the sky to start falling, and that there was a possible plot to blow up all transatlantic air, causing planes to fall out of the sky. This prompted a number of arrests on Thursday. “We needed to look like we were doing something,” One senior Police officer explained.

Serious threat

Officers are continuing to quiz 23 people in the inquiry. So far none of them have been able to answer one particular question, what is the capital of Nepal. Their general knowledge is poor.” One interrogator told us, “A sure sign of guilt.” Mr Reid said although police believe all main “suspects” in the alleged “plot” had been arrested, there was still the threat of Islamic Armageddon. Or ISLAMAGEDDON.

ISLAMOGEDDON is coming” One policeman told us “We don’t know when or where or why. But it is coming.”

Speaking at a press conference on Monday, the home secretary warned that, "The change in the threat level does not mean that the threat has gone away. They’re still out there, the terrorists, they wait for me in the trees. Did you hear a noise? I thought I heard something. Someone should go and check. Can you smell mustard gas? I think can. No I definitely can.”

He also said, "The public needs to know that there may be other people out there who may be planning to attack against the United Kingdom. They could be living on your street. Think about it. Is there anyone living near you who is, shall we say different. Who does not conform; remember conformity is the hallmark of a good citizen. Perhaps these people wear strange clothes, and maybe don’t speak English. Is their skin a slightly brown colour? These are the people we need to arrest. Remember! Conformity is strength, non conformity, well that’s terrorism."

“Comrades remember the advice of our glorious leader! White is the colour of innocence! All non terrorists are inherently white.”

"That is why there are a number of other security service operations underway. Lists have been prepared of all citizens who fit the “Non conformist profile”. Camps may need to be erected. It may be necessary to have “Bonfires” in these camps from time to time. Do not be alarmed by this! Do not be alarmed! if you see hundred of people go in and no one come out. This is not unusual! Continue to go about your business. When you get home tonight, bang your head against the wall until this memory has been erased. If your children were with you at the time bang their heads against the wall as well. Do it now! while you still have the chance! before the terrorists kill them.”

Meanwhile, the US Department of Homeland Security has downgraded the threat level for flights from the UK from "code red" to "code orange". But they assured us that CONSTANT VIGLIANCE! would be maintained at all times. The UK has been at the highest level of terror paranoia since police made arrests last Thursday in connection with the alleged “plot” to use liquid explosives on planes from the UK to the US.

But airport operator BAA has urged passengers using Heathrow, Gatwick and Stansted not to bring hand baggage. As it will be assumed that those with handbags are terrorists. There is a zero tolerance policy regarding hand luggage in operation, a shoot to kill policy. The company says it will need to brief its thousands of security staff, who will not be aware of the change because it was announced overnight, to prevent terrorists from overhearing.

The Department for Transport said passengers would not be allowed to carry one item of hand luggage on to flights. However they assured us that the corpses of those found carrying luggage, and shot, by professionals, would be cleared away quickly into neat piles. The department hopes that measure will help ease congestion at airports.

Meanwhile, detectives investigating the alleged “plot” are conducting a major search for what they call “evidence” at King's Wood near High Wycombe in Buckinghamshire, near the scene of one of the raids. They believe that local Druids hiding in the woods may have assisted the terrorists in concealing evidence. Police intend to arrest these “beardy weirdo’s” as soon as possible and, if necessary “Beat the truth out of them. We won’t stop asking questions till we hear the answers we want! SQUAWK!” John Reid assured us.

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