UnNews:UK sent into raptures by birth of baby girl
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
UK sent into raptures by birth of baby girl
Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard
Thursday, August 17, 2017, 19:33:UTC)(
2 May 2015
LONDON -- With a much publicised due date at the end of April the world's media have long been gathered outside St Mary's Hospital. Mingling with crowds of ordinary people, dozens of telephoto lenses were focussed on the windows of the Lindo Wing this morning, eagerly awaiting news. And at 08:34 BST came the announcement a whole nation had waited for:-
"St Mary's Hospital is delighted to be able to announce the safe delivery of a new defibrillator. We know that hearts across the country will soar. Also, someone gave birth."
Online bookmakers had offered odds of 3:1 on the birth of a boy and up to 25:1 for triplets but hospital administrators confirmed what many had predicted - the birth of a beautiful baby girl. A spokesman for online bookmaker Paddy Power said:
"We're delighted. We've relieved thousands of members of the gullible poor of their paltry wages and frankly a girl is a good result for us. There had been a late surge of betting on it being a puppy. We might have lost millions. So it's a bit of triumph for humanity as well as a major lift for us and other parasites on the working class."
Mrs Annie Lingus, who was present for the birth of her baby, was also delighted. "Connie weighed 8lbs 3oz," she told Sky News, confirming that her child was to have a name despite press speculation to the contrary. "I only wish my husband could have been here but he's a member of Prince Andrew's security team and they wouldn't give him the time off."
Outside the crowds were thrilled. Visiting from the United States Mr and Mrs Cleveland Blumpkin said: "We're just overcome with the pageantry of it all. We just don't do shit like this in the US. We get all our new people from Mexico." Mrs Jocelyn Mann-Butter had slept overnight on the pavement outside in anticipation: "It's amazing!" she said. "Apparently the baby was actually inside Annie and she had to push it out with nothing but will-power, muscle-relaxants and anaesthetics. Doctors can do anything these days. Except deal with my haemorrhoids, apparently."'
The new arrival will not be overtaken in the line of royal succession by any future younger brothers. Under new rules which came into force in March, male bias was removed from the succession rules, leaving baby Connie secure in her position as 23,476,651st in line for the crown. Connie will also be able to marry a Roman Catholic and speak to Jews without losing her place in line to the throne. Mrs Lingus told reporters from the BBC that she was "A little disappointed with the attitude of the Duchess of Cambridge." It is thought that the former Kate Middleton is yet confirm when she intends to visit. "It's pretty much what I expected really. We sent her a gift - just a little teddy bear - when Prince George was born. But when Connie's elder brother was born the next year Catherine didn't even text. She could have got one of her flunkies to send a card but that's rich people for you, I suppose."
A statement from Kensington Palace confirmed: "The Queen, the Duke of Edinburgh, the Prince of Wales, the Duchess of Cornwall and other members of the family have been informed and are indifferent at the news." Meanwhile the United Kingdom was simply pleased to have something else to not care about having tired of not caring about the forthcoming general election.
- Staff "Royal baby: Duchess of Cambridge gives birth to daughter". BBC, May 2, 2015
- Staff "Buckingham Palace easel confirms birth of new Royal Princess". Daily Telegraph, May 2, 2015