UK out, PM out, bacon up, pound down

Truth doesn't "live here" — It's just camping out

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Wednesday, October 24, 2018, 02:23:59 (UTC)

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24 June 2016


UKIPs Nigel Farage declares today is "independence day", creating turmoil among alien conspiracy theorists.

LONDON -- The Leave campaign has won the referendum and the UK will quit the European Union, after 40 years of squabbling and free limousines. David Cameron has also announced his intention to stand down before October of this year.

The “deal” with the EU the Prime Minister negotiated in February — guaranteeing that the UK will not suffer discrimination by being outside the eurozone — has been torpedoed. The majority of the UK have instead expressed their strong belief that such a deal ought never have been required in the first place.

In a tumultuous 24 hours of political thunderstorms, one an act of God himself, voters came out in droves (and canoes) to have their say. London, being Europe's biggest financial centre, voted for Remain, because that's what their calculators told them to do. Our Heavenly Father, a stalwart for Remain, strategically flooded London just as the polls opened. However, enjoying live footage of the Environment Agency's office up to its windows in sewage, the rest of England gleefully ticked the other box.

This morning's news is full of white-faced Remain politicians, calling this a wake-up call for Westminster and accusing Governments of turning those that live beyond the M25 into wild-eyed, pitchfork-wielding racists. However, liberated by the prospect of not having to be mealy-mouthed towards Brussels any more, top Remain campaigners go on to say the EU is expensive, inefficient, full of clubs, quangos, scroungers and crippling red tape — with decisions being made behind closed doors long before politicians arrive to commence negotiations.

Showing their expertise at completely misreading their readers, red-faced tabloids are calling this an “astonishing day”; describing a broken, disgruntled and divided Britain, driven to the exit by the rich, fox-hunting elite.

Wales also voted to leave the EU, but the region's political correspondents remained oddly silent; indicating that perhaps Wales doesn't have any. Welsh reporters stated the result, quoted Farage, and quickly changed the subject to rugby.

Standing proudly alongside Westminster, the Scots were the other beacon of racial tolerance, with a majority voting to remain part of the EU. Coincidently, regions with the highest Remain votes were also the regions that had the highest Leave votes in the Scottish referendum in 2015. This is great news for the SNP, who believe they can “sneak out of the UK” during the post-election turmoil. Had the majority of Scotland voted to leave, the SNP would not have a case and the battle of Culloden would have been lost.

The pound has plummeted to a value not seen since 1987, re-igniting the prospect of Britain turning, once again, to Sir Clive Sinclair for home entertainment. The iPad is slated to be replaced by a “Speak and Spell” and interactive online gamers will be retrained on Kerplunk, Monopoly and Mister Potato Head that their elders enjoyed. Leave voters, who don't normally get out of bed before 10:00, will be elated to hear that they are free from forty years of European tyranny — until they discover that eight slices of bacon now costs £48.

There is turmoil across other financial markets too. The FTSE has fallen the most on record, the IMF has issued warnings of a new financial crisis — despite already being in one — and God is feeling vilified, as the Church of England has started panic-selling its shares in the red wine industry. His Mightiness, despite mounting calls from senior clergy on Twitter, has not indicated any intention to resign over the result.

The biggest political hot-potato of all is what happens next. Overnight, as the polls started to lean towards Brexit, Tory Leave campaigners Boris Johnson and Michael Gove celebrated victory, while keeping a nervous eye on their shares. As the pound plummeted, Johnson and Gove declared solidarity with their adversary, David Cameron; proclaiming he is the right man to oversee reform, offering their full support in remaining subordinate to their great Prime Minister; who they are sure will bring stability to the mounting crisis. Both have since gone home and refuse to answer the phone.

With the potato sitting firmly on the Prime Minister's lap and starting get a bit warm for comfort, David Cameron has made it official that he is not the right man to oversee anything of the sort. At a press conference outside No.10 Downing Street this morning, the PM reminded “certain people” that he wanted to stay in Europe and he is certainly not going to be the one that activates article 50 of the Lisbon Treaty. Instead, Cameron will give that task to either Johnson or Gove, by standing down before this October — passing Article 50 in a pair of thick oven gloves to the next sucker successor.

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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.