UnNews:UK in panic as Russian communist rats close in
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UK in panic as Russian communist rats close in
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, May 1, 2016, 02:35:UTC)(
25 January 2014
LONDON, England -- The entire United Kingdom has fallen into chaos as a huge ship, controlled by inbred Russian cannibalistic communist Nazi rats, which has been slogging its way across the Atlantic for almost a year, is now only days away from the coast of Great Britain.
"If there's one thing that we know for sure about these rats, it's that they're taking no nonsense -- and they're taking no prisoners, either," says Sonar Dogg, commander of the Royal Canadian Navy. "These are no sewer rodents. These rats are vicious. And they're after the Brits."
Experts believe that these Russian rats first exerted their power in 2012, during which they were able to successfully hijack Russian cruise liner Lyubov Orlova during a brief run of the vessel through Canadian waters. All passengers and crew were slaughtered mercilessly, butchered, and used as a food supply through the larger part of 2013.
The rats, with their mutiny complete, then began their trip to their true destination: the United Kingdom.
As of now, says British Lord High Admiral Purkhis Pragg, the vessel and its crew have refused all attempts at communication. Diplomatic efforts thus far have all failed, and only one conclusion can thus be made: these rats simply will not settle for peace. They want blood. And they will stop at nothing to spill it throughout the UK.
"I know for a fact that what these buggers want is revenge," explains Virigina Piper, great-great-great-great-great-granddaughter of the so-called legendary Pied Piper of Hamelin. "They've been preparing for years. It was only a matter of time. But don't think we aren't ready."
The Piper family, in preparation for an all-out rat battle, successfuly completed the moving of its estate to the top of Gwaunceste Hill, Herefordshire, yesterday. The family has also managed to borrow a host of guns, cannons, slingshots, napalm, exploding barrel launchers, orbital strike lasers, and golf clubs to use in defense against the hated rats.
"We will settle this," claims Hermann Piper, father of the aforementioned Virginia. "UK citizens need not worry about this menace."
Still, however, alternate methods for dealing with the rats are being searched into by the British Royal Navy. As of now, the consensus seems to be leaning towards simply blowing up the ship. However, there are still problems with this suggestion.
"These are Russian rats," says Pragg. "Not Norwegian, or American, or Eritrean, or anything else. Russian rats are like Russian men -- they don't go down without a fight. And if those bloody bastards are good for one thing, it's swimming."
Though a truly feasible alternate method may not yet have been found, a few other propositions have been made.
"We could just tow it somewhere else," suggests Vice Admiral Andy Summers. "Poland, maybe. It'd be their problem then. And besides, they deserve it more than us."
As the race to find a way to deal with this rodent menace continues, the ship draws ever closer. The UK is crossing its fingers. Will the threat be dealt with? Or is it too late already?
"As of now, only time will tell," states Pragg. "Only time."
Also, on a more minor note, the price of rat poison, jumbo-sized mousetraps, and miniature flamethrowers has been conveniently halved through most of the UK. Take our advice here -- stock up now! You never can be too safe.
- ↑ As anyone with any sense would, she and her family have moved away from Germany.
- ↑ Did you know that 35 Russian rats once treaded water for nine days straight just to prove the local Kiwanas club wrong?.
- ↑ Not a tool for the faint of heart. Handle with care.