UnNews:UK hides global warming assesment
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
UK hides global warming assesment
A newsstand that's brimming with issues
Sunday, August 20, 2017, 15:41:UTC)(
25 January 2017
LONDON -- The Government has been accused of trying to bury a major report about the effects of global warming to Britain – including the sub-tropical temperatures, significant risk to the woolly hat trade and the prospect of no more months with endless drizzle.
The UK Climate Change Risk Assessment Report, which by law has to be produced every five years, was published with little fanfare on the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs’ (Defra) website on 18 January. But, despite its undoubted importance, Environment Secretary Andrea Leadsom made no speech and did not issue her own statement, and even the Defra Twitter account was silent. No mainstream media organisation covered the report.
One leading climate expert accused the Government of “trying to sneak it out” without people noticing, because nobody is prepared to take responsibility for pointing out that global warming would actually be “bloody awesome” for the UK. In the report, the Government stressed there were a number of “urgent priorities” that needed to be addressed. These included immediate replacement of pines and willows with coconut and mango trees, wasps with crickets and cricket with beach volleyball.
It said it largely agreed with experts’ warnings about the effects of climate change, but points out that, like everything in life, there are winners and losers. The UK Environment Agency commented that: Yes, the snow in arctic regions will melt, wiping out billions of lives… yes, the Mediterranean will become a desert and the crops will die… and indeed, most of the United States will simply catch fire. However, for those of us that have been stuck for millennia, in the wet and miserable polar/tropical convergence zone, it’s finally time to break out the steel drums, reed skirts and flower garlands — because the weather here is going to be absolutely gorgeous, for at least the next three hundred thousand years.
Temperatures will only vary between 87 degrees Fahrenheit in summer and 84 in winter. Lovely warm rain will fall from approximately 0630 until 0730 and again from 1800 until 1900 every day, sufficient to provide free showers and water the abundance of colourful flora. Sea temperatures will maintain a steady 104 degrees F and every night will be balmy enough for people sleep in a hammock under the stars.
However, not all Brits are completely happy with the prospect. Ken Atkinson, a central heating engineer from Stradbroke, complained that whenever temperatures hit the 80s, the boiled sweets in his van’s glove box melt.
Others are more philosophical. Paul Cooley, a single, 28 year old business admin from Clacton-On-Sea said: “I believe that thinking too much about the prospect of our white sandy beaches filled with beautiful girls wearing bikinis, is completely unnecessary. Sunbathing and the opposite sex is nothing but a distraction from my true passion, which is World of Warcraft.”
- Ian Johnston, Tom Batchelor "Government 'tried to bury' its own alarming report on climate change". Independent, January 21, 2017