UnNews:UK fields cats for counter-terror special operations
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UK fields cats for counter-terror special operations
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, February 21, 2017, 21:21:UTC)(
15 June 2006
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LONDON England -- London's Met Police commissioner Sir Ian Blair announced yesterday an addition to Britain's war on terror. In a press conference at the plush Forest Gate Ramada Hotel, Sir Ian outlined the UK's new tactic against ruthless Islamist extremists. "A corps of elite cat owners has bravely responded to the call to arms. Their specially trained, paramilitary cats have graduated from a rigorous special forces program designed to take out terrorists, particularly those smelling of couscous, or whatever those people eat."
The idea was hit upon by Col. Horace "Stinky" Whizzleteeth (ret.), a military historian and psychopath of international renown. Author of, "Doggy-style In The Trenches: How Boffing Dogs Saved Our Boys From Going Loony In WWI", the Colonel is expert on the use of animals during war. He said, "We all know the Spartans were a great force, due in part to all of that buggery. When buggery was supplanted by animal love, however, we see that the modern idea of an army is first formed." Asked by UnNews what that has to do with the story at hand, he took some more of those funny green pills and got all quiet.
Veteran MI5 cat wrangler Major Phineas Llama Turgid spoke to reporters after Sir Ian concluded his speech by choking on an ice cube. "We use bears fed a diet of Middle Eastern foods to bait the cats because they smell like Arabs. For some reason, this breed hates Muslim Arabs, so it was pretty easy to whip them into a frenzy," said Turgid of his pet project. "Those gits in Geneva wouldn't let us use captured terrorists as cat targets, so we were actually very lucky to have the bears come through for us."
Successful completion of training requres that each cat must tree a bear more than 100 times, and be able to subdue an angry wildebeest. Plans to deploy the force, code named "Pussy Foot", remain secret due to the covert nature of counter-terrorism. "This will strike the fear of cats into their bloody, exploding hearts," remarked an off camera Major Turgid to his current lover, Chaim Pistolwhip.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|