UnNews:UK declares national “state of apathy”

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UK declares national “state of apathy”

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16 April 2015

Apathy

Just go away in short jerky movements.

WHITEHALL, England -- In an official release from the Foreign and Commonwealth today, from 0830 this morning the UK has declared an official “state of apathy” and is on communication lock down. The release states the 2015 election campaign has driven the population of the United Kingdom to not give a toss about anything until further notice.

The release advises international businesses and bodies, like Belgium, McDonald’s or FIFA, to avoid calling the UK today, as they will be left on hold until the exchange crashes, or whatever. The FCO issued a helpline number to leave a message if there is a new war, or a 24h duty number for short-notice beach invasions.

Terrible images of the crisis are rolling in, with scenes of patients bleeding to death on operating tables and coffee shop staff ignoring attention buttons as both public and private sector staff are finding themselves more interested in a fly buzzing against the window, staring down the car park or failing that, social media.

At a short Cobra meeting in Whitehall this morning, blame for the Country's plant-like malaise is placed on the election media campaign – showing the Levison Enquiry how the lion tames the tamer – Hoovering up air time that is otherwise reserved for important news, such as what drove Bobby Beale to murder his sister for being a slag on Eastenders, or what does Victoria Beckham really think of Cheryl Whatever-the-latest-husband's-name-is.

The heightened state of apathy covers coast to coast; despite reasonable weather conditions, ferries have remained in port with “technical” problems and all UK airline pilots have been stood down, after one co-pilot was overheard saying he was a bit low this morning. People in the seaside town of Scarborough are urinating in the sea and in Falmouth, bakeries had run out of pasties before 0930. Even train drivers can't be bothered to go on strike, so the rail would be running well, but no one's in a travelling mood.

Ed Vaizy, secretary of state for Communications had voiced previous concern with the amount of publicity given over to the election, he said, “A news show without a presenter punching a producer, or a Katy Perry nip slip is like a roast dinner without gravy to a Brit, they'd rather starve. TV ratings plummeted due to air time, normally reserved for a cute piano playing sheepdog, being given over to Leanne Wood talking about how a coalition can assist penniless farmers with the ailing wool trade.”

In a statement today Vaizy said: “This morning, ITV presenter Kate Garraway merely introduced the Green Party’s Natalie Bennett and SNP's Nicola Sturgeon, told them to “crack on”, stuck on headphones and watched Thelma and Louise on the big back projector. No dog, no chef, no weather; she even farted or was snoring, yet nobody complained. UK people starved of trash media are in danger, as they will be forced on to the streets without having been properly socialised.”

How long the suffering will continue is unknown but a YouGov poll has the top parties neck and neck with Con 23H, Lab 23H each. Other parties have less with Lib Dem 8H and UKIP 12H. The SNP and Plaid Cymru about 8H each however, Nigel Farage insists UKIP’s manifesto will tackle apathy and the causes of apathy, as a priority. Everybody else however estimates around 7th May.

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