UnNews:UK commences EU negotiations by imploding

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UK commences EU negotiations by imploding

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2 July 2016


Boris Johnson has left the race for the next Prime Minister, because his post-Brexit strategy did not include anything he campaigned for in his pre-Brexit strategy, including remaining in the EU, which is what he really wanted all along.

LONDON -- In the wake of the vote to leave the EU, ministers across the UK have started to prove their mettle in “steadying” the ship in the face of stormy seas. The SNP have commenced touting unity in Europe as a reason to leave the UK, Nigel Farage has accused the EU of being bone-idle, the Labour party is being held hostage by activists and Boris has bugged out altogether.

Like so many throughout the political spectrum, George Osborne has been caught napping by assuming that grey, hapless politicians have more credibility than colourful media-whore politicians, in a campaign so marginal it could have gone either way from the outset. The Chancellor has abandoned his plan to run an absolute budget surplus by 2019-20, but there seems to be no fiscal strategy for Brexit, beyond a panic-stricken 48 hours with the Bank of England to shore up the economy, followed by encouraging nervous markets with the news that the UK is about to plunge into recession.

The United Kingdom had representation at the first EU meeting post-Brexit in the form of a gloating Nigel Farage; accusing the House of never having a proper job, sparking a backlash from the chambers. Charles Tannock, a Tory MEP who claimed to be "running an important errand" when it was time for the first UK voice to be heard, said Farage knew damn-well he used to be a feng-shui consultant for Debenhams. He also said that Farage knows Martina Anderson is a an ex-terrorist and arsonist and his fellow Tory MEP Geoffrey Van Orden, used to make ornate duck houses.

The Scottish Nationalist Party's Alyn Smith, who used to take Americans to see the Loch Ness Monster, was also in the Chambers. After Farage had finished driving a wedge through any chance of sensible negotiation, Smith placed a £3 tin of Highland Shortcakes before the Chair and in full “weeping hill and glen” mode, described how much Scotland loved the EU, and how much the EU loves their McAllister, McIntoshes and McDonalds, begging that they are allowed to stay. United with Europe but not United with the Untied Kingdom, marks a political change from 2015, when Scotland were keen not to be untied with the European Union, if that is what it took to not be untied with the United Kingdom.

Nicola Sturgeon, the SNP's leader, appeared in Brussels uninvited and unelected but wearing her reddest lipstick, determined to put forward Scotland's case for unity by disestablishment. Spain's PM Mariano Rajoy was quick to point out that a chance of a deal with the Scots will start a bull run from Catalonia and that standing alone, Scotland was not competent to be an EU member. This sentiment was supported by French PM Francois Hollande, who added that future negotiations will be conducted with the United Kingdom, not with a part of the United Kingdom. The Scots countered these arguments by calling for a boycott of Spanish restaurants, and by reminding the French that they owe it to them, having fought side-by-side with them at the battle of the Somme — thereby giving the EU a taste of how the SNP operates politically, and what they will bring to the wider European project.

In England, a post-Brexit motion of no confidence in Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn was passed by the party's MPs by 172-40 votes. Almost the entire shadow cabinet has since abandoned the front benches, replaced by Corbyn sycophants, who’s suits are three sizes too big and have barely started shaving. Corbyn has made it clear that he will not stand down as leader, even if he is the last person on the bench with an advanced cycling proficiency certificate. The Labour leader also told the party he would stand again if a leadership election is called, and that he has enough supporters beyond grass-roots politicians, to keep them all away from the party for as long as he chooses. This prompted the SNP to throw caution to the wind regarding national law and declare themselves the new Tory opposition party, going against their other key policy of Scotland not being run from Westminster.

On the other side of the House, Boris Johnson has stepped down as a candidate for the next Prime Minister, since Mr. Gove's wife “accidentally” sent an email to a “member of the public” — who happened to like telling stories to Sky News for money — instead of her husband. The email states: “...you MUST have SPECIFIC assurances from Boris OTHERWISE you cannot guarantee your support. Oh and please remember to pick up a can opener on your way home.” These assurances included either keeping the plan-less Osborne as chancellor or Gove becoming chancellor himself, as well as appointing Dominic Cummings as chief of Staff. Cummings has been described by David Cameron as a “career psychopath”, who recently told the Treasury Select committee that “accuracy is for snake-oil pussys”, when asked why his leave campaign leaflet gave the distinct impression it was created by the NHS.

Johnson's Brexit column in the Telegraph has shown that like Osborne, he did not expect to win the Leave campaign and has no onward strategy. This comes as no surprise, because at the start of the campaign Johnson was a reluctant remain supporter. As the self-styled newest and blondest head of the leave camp — eyeing all that TV time as PM as the prize — Johnson's article described keeping a single market with the EU, but not mentioning that free border travel will have to be continued, thereby negating the entire linch-pin of the leave campaign. Gove commented on the article and gave his own version that was far more focused, eloquent and statesmanlike. A version “accidentally” appeared on Twitter via another random member of the public.

Mr Gove has since told the BBC: “In the last four days, I had a chance to see, up close and personal, how Boris dealt with some of the decisions we needed to make in order to take this country forward. During that period I had hoped that Boris would rise to the occasion… but I saw him seek to meet and not pass those tests.” It was just hours before Johnson's announcement to run for PM, that Gove declared that he had made a U-turn and decided to run against him.

Taking Gove's knife-work as an opportunity to dodge what is becoming apparent as the hospital-pass of the century, Johnson has given way to Gove and other candidates such as Theresa May, Stephen Crabb, Liam Fox and Andrea Leadsom and will, no doubt, be looking forward to a return to fronting televised political comedy shows.

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