UnNews:UK bishop behind same-sex couples
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28 March 2014
SALISBURY, England -- The Bishop of Salisbury Nick Holtam found himself in hot water earlier this morning over allegations that he's been following gay couples around and interrupting them in their daily affairs.
Following the British Government's decision to legalise same sex marriage in England (Wales, Scotland and Norther Ireland can decide separately if they want to follow), some Church of England's head clerics like Bishop Holtam have taken a 'hands on' experience to understand what gay marriage means in practise.
Stephen Bartholomew, 27, and his partner Martin Beans, 25, spoke to UnNews about their encounter with the peeping prelate.
"He just kept popping up out of nowhere," Stephen tells us with a worried expression. "He had this big grin on his face the whole time and he kept telling us things like 'I've worked it out: being gay hurts no one! Except maybe the botty of the receiver the first few times.'"
Martin chips in: "then he asked us which one was the 'receiver'. I told him to f*** off."
The couple are just one of a number who have come forward in the past week with concerns about the Church of England "getting behind them". A spokesperson for Gay Equality said, "it's great that the church finally recognises what all other sentient people worked out aeons ago, it just seems as though they think they've discovered something new, like a cure for cancer or something. It's becoming a bit cloying."
A lesbian couple, who wish to remain anonymous, described earlier how Holtam queued up behind them in Waitrose and began helping them to unload their shopping. Another anonymous gay couple describe how the Bishop appeared at the foot of their bed one evening during their sexual activities, remaining unnoticed until he began to whisper, 'Ah yes, lovely Christian love.'
A spokesperson for the Bishop of Salisbury finally issued a statement today
"His eminency Nick Holtam would like to state for the record that he's 'seen the light' with regards to homosexuality, that the last few days have been thoroughly exciting for him, and that he's sorry if he overdid it a bit on the gay-backing front. Nevertheless he is determined to persevere in his experiments with homosexual affairs."