UnNews:UK bed-ridden by European election fever
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UK bed-ridden by European election fever
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, November 25, 2015, 11:04:UTC)(
9 May 2014
The elections occur every five years, when the annual Eurovision Song Contest voting slip includes an added question on which political party would best maintain and support the Song Contest in the EU Parliament. This year sees the return of the election ritual to the UK, the only democratic, western institution that despises the chore of voting on which sprouts they want to send to Brussels.
The top contenders for the British seats are UKIP and the Liberal Democrats, as these are the only two parties who think the EU has a say in British politics, and the UKIP thinks it should say "Good-bye." UKIP is leading in the polls, as it seems perfect to embody the UK's disregard for most of what the EU does, such as deportation laws, the Euro, health and safety regulations and socialism. In fact, the only EU function of interest to Britons is to have a Parliament where its religious fundamentalists (excluding Abu Hamsa, the EU won't let him in) can sit and whine that the Parliament ought not exist.
The Conservative and Labour Parties are starkly absent from the campaigning, as PM David Cameron does not enjoy Friday night gatherings with socialists and Ed Miliband elected to spend the time measuring the distance between Sloane Square and Edgware Road stations on a tube map. Nick Clegg said this meant that his Liberal Democrats might, for once, finish above third place in an election. When asked about his chances against UKIP, Clegg advised the British public to dismiss the polls (which the Daily Mail tragically transcribed as "dismissing the Poles").
The Official Monster Raving Loony Party are polling third. They share traits with UKIP, such as occasional surprise wins on county council seats and an immigration manifesto that vows to deport all immigrants to Britain since there was a Land Bridge at Winchester. However, leader Howling Laud Hope still insists that his party is different to UKIP: "UKIP are not worthy of the description of 'Fruitcakes and Loonies.' We invented loonyism and we are the party of choice for traditional fruitcakes." When asked about a possible coalition with the Lib Dems in the EU Parliament, he commented, "We're a sensible, well-meaning party, not fools."
A campaign challenge is to perform a catchy song in the Eurovision Parliament. UKIP have gone with, I got 99 problems but corporate backing of a party claiming to fight corporatism ain't one. The Lib Dems will sing Breakthrough by Queen, and the OMRLP have chosen Umpa-lumpa doopedy doo! The star performers will reach the next round, where they will be registered as British politicians by the French and Germans and their opinions will be disregarded by the EU Parliament.
The BBC's official Voter's Guide aligns this with the mood of the country, to-wit, "Somethin' happening?" Its illustration of a man running away from a telephone box has led to puzzlement, most concluding that the man mistook a telephone box for Doctor Who's Tardis (which is in fact a Police Box) and only wants to cast a vote about Matt Smith's performance in the role.
The masses, however, focus on whether Jeremy Clarkson may have uttered a very rude word on live TV, while actual UKIP officials and European MPs — numbered at "ten" in Nigel Farage's own words — have self-identified as anti-gay racists. There is no double standard, as Clarkson is a famous TV presenter whom the public view nightly, while the European MPs will be safely out of sight for five years.