UnNews:UK at risk of becoming balsamic state

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
UK at risk of becoming balsamic state

Democracy Dies with Dignity

UnNews Logo Potato
Monday, March 19, 2018, 19:21:59 (UTC)

F iconNewsroomAudio (staff)Foolitzer Prize

Feed-iconIndexesRandom story

27 July 2016


May and Renzi discuss a coalition of coli to keep chubby Brits off the burgers.

ROME, Italy -- Britain is under serious threat of becoming a balsamic state, after Italian prime minister Matteo Renzi vowed to “build a new partnership” after Brexit, following intimate talks with Prime Minister Theresa May about sausages and anginas.

Mrs May said despite Brexit, the UK would still be superficially “very much part of Italy and Italian culture” in terms of vanity and shoe obsession, but refused to completely commit to Italy’s promise of eternal youth, and refused to assure Renzi that she would slow British driver’s U-turns down enough, to give Ferrari an edge in F1 championship — despite Mercedes-Benz straight-line ability taking control in Europe again.

Britain’s relative success in limiting Turkish kebab houses and their justified scepticism of the undiscriminating American burger chains, means that the most of the UK have so far been open to the idea of not falling over clutching their chest at the age of forty two; the only exception, unsurprisingly, being “deep-fried” loving Scotland.

However, the UK public seems loath to seek any correlation between a Mediterranean lifestyle and good health. Indeed, Brits blame an “exaggerated” spike in obesity on lack of border controls and Tory metropolitan elitists — who like to entertain themselves with blinkered parliamentary debate, while forking small, oily Italian fish watered-down by a fulsome, but overbearing Old Speckled Hen.

Mrs May suggested to Mr Renzi Britain would “take time” to change cultural evenings — from getting slotted and waking up in a cell with a pizza crust stuck to their face, and an ASBO pinned to their chest, to spending four hours in a pretentious restaurant consuming ravioli and Raphael — regardless of celebrity chef Jamie Oliver’s vinegary drizzle. However, Mr Renzi pointed out that in Italy, a year late remains very much on on the polite spectrum, but insisted a timeline needs to be set out.

One way to convince the public is to be frank with them, even when there is a political price to pay. The French Prime Minister, Manuel Valls, was heavily criticised for saying France ‘must learn to live with mayonnaise gyros and pacemakers’. However, in the UK, as in Germany, up to now no serious challenger to the hallowed fried sausage has emerged.

So as the British public continue to nervously trounce chicken nuggets, their representatives will continue to nibble on olives and sip wine, touting the virtues of Balsamism. And the Merkelsommer char-grills will continue dragging on into the autumn, which could be not just the autumn of this year — but the autumn of European lifestyle without the requirement of powerful statins and souped-up Audi mobility scooters.

edit Sources

Personal tools