UnNews:UK animal tests plan aborted
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
UK animal tests plan aborted
A newsstand that's brimming with issues
Thursday, September 29, 2016, 23:59:UTC)(
8 February 2014
LONDON The UK government has announced it wants to end medical experiments on animals and instead encourage scientists to look at alternative resources. These will include bread, plants and humans.
Professor John Bell from Cuckoo College, Cambridge defended the controversial plan:
" We are looking to the future. So where primates may continue to be necessary and where alternatives may replace their use, we'll be using some of the other alternatives on offer."
There have already been some tests conducted on bread. Although it didn't show any response when the drugs were added inside it, scientists could see a development in the bread, because the drug was in the bread after they put the drug in it. This means that the bread actually doesn't absorb the substance but keeps it so that it can be put in meals for children.
The testing on plants gave different results. When plants were cut open to try to put drugs in them, they broke because they were too small and couldn't be used anymore. Scientists tried to find plants with thick stems, but didn't bother anymore. Since the UK wants to replace animal testing and bread and plants don't work, humans are a possible replacement. There will be a selection and forms made which ask people if they voluntarily want to be test humans.
In order to make it attractive scientists give 5 euros to each person who wants to test a medicine. People can also register other people they know to be a tester of drugs, in order to have enough people doing it. This is the official stage of the UK experiment, there have already been some people who have participated in a pre-experiment and tested some medicines. One person became tremendously ill after testing because a doctor accidently replaced the medicine with the analgesics of his dog. Not only medicines are tested, some people can also undergo surgery. Scientists are satisfied with it, because this will make it possible to be absolutely sure of the working of a new product, since it's tested on a human being. Most humans have agreed or family members have agreed to let their family member being used, so the scientists don't have any problem with the testing.
Scientists are happy about the new human guinea pigs that they can subject to experiments in the name of science, some researchers are not very happy with it. When asked about one experiment in which a human started to destruct the testing room because of a wrong test product which increased adrenaline, intern Paolo Macchiarini said:-
"'I was very much afraid. Before this, we had been doing this work only on pigs. Most pigs would just start having sex with each other after this drug, humans aren't like that unfortunately."
Billy Les Pisces of Fish dating and Pet Lover owner Zoo Filia have supported the move to carry more experiments on other sentient beings. Billy said:
"It's horrible how these people could use innocent animals for their experiments. Finally something is done. Humans have the right to own a pet and animal tests aren't contributing to this right, we need as much primates and rats as possible to offer enough pets to people who can date each other because they both like an ape."
We were interviewing people at the street for this article and we met a man who is a freetime economist and asked him his opinion, which was quite clear:
"Instead of animals they should use people who are of no use to society, tax controllers for example, if we make them sick with experiments, society keeps more money and we can spend more. In that way, the economy can rise again because the government is too stupid to use our money well, since they are of the old generation, while the IQ of citizens rises with each generation. This means that people get smart enough to spend their money well so that we can use it to buy products which no one wants, give money to shop owners in that way who will buy stuff like bread which solves unemployment, because everyone can make bread so they will buy bread from everyone which gives everyone enough money."
Professor Sir Patrick Pending added:-
"It's ridiculous how the UK government wants to allow animal tests to be conducted on humans. It doesn't only make me think of an awful period in human history, the worst of the 20th century, but it also makes you think about the consequences of giving tumors on purpose to living beings."