UnNews:UK and Argentina hopeful over new pointless conflict

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22 December 2012

Icefloe

Queen Elizabeth Land is said to be appropriately frigid and unwelcoming

[NAME CENSORED], Antarctica -- Thirty years after the Falklands War, in which two countries that had been once united by a passion for football and polo were divided by a love of looking for crude oil, the United Kingdom and Argentina were working furiously yesterday to create an even less sensible conflict, based on the name of a region in the Antarctic.

On Tuesday, British Foreign Secretary William Hague named a region of the icy south Queen Elizabeth Land. He said, "Four hundred years ago, British explorers named part of the New World Virginia after our Virgin Queen; one hundred and fifty years ago, Queen Victoria was made Empress of India. With this gesture, I want to illustrate two things: we are not as good at naming things as we used to be, and we are now reduced to putting up the British flag on great swathes of ice that we think were previously unnamed. We have our eye on a bit of sea between the Alaskan Strait and mainland Russia that no one else seems to have noticed."

Argentinian diplomats immediately attacked the decision, claiming the 'unnamed' territory was actually in the Argentine Antarctic sector. A spokesman told us, "We don't want a war, but if we have to fight the United Kingdom for the right to put pointless letters on a map we [phone rings] - er, hold on a second. What's that? Trade Unions? Looting has reached the capital? Two people killed? I'm going to have to call you back, I am talking about Antarctica and the English."

On the other side of the Atlantic, UnNews asked Britons what they thought about the renaming. Tom Logan told us, "To be honest, if they rename anything, I think it should be Antarctica itself. When I spell it, I always forget the 'c'. I used to have trouble Googling the Arctic Monkeys an' all. Is there any chance we can rename both poles?"

Debbie Cayton, who, judging by appearances, is not exactly a stranger to confusion either, told us, "I fink it's gonna be rubbish. Why would anyone wanna go to Queen Elizabeth Land when you've got Disneyland, and even Alton Towers? What rides are they even gonna 'ave? Crash the Princess?"


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