UK Government announces revocation of independence for USA
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, October 18, 2018, 14:50:UTC)(
13 April 2008
All American external territories and protectorates are to be auctioned off to the highest bidder in an attempt to raise some cash. The move has been marked as "controversial" by many world leaders, although no out-right opposition has come yet. When George Bush was asked about his opinion on the matter he said that he had "absolutely no bloody idea what you're talking about". The Prime Minister also called for "gentle" handling of the American population, and that in a year's time a questionnaire should be circulated through America to determine how many people noticed the effect of the new bill.
A recent UK government report found that 98.2% of Americans had no idea there was a world outside their borders and therefore "drastic action was called for" according to UK prime minister Gordon Brown. The bill disbands the office of President of the USA, congress and the senate with immediate effect, and replaces the national anthem ("Star Spangled Banner") with the British national anthem "God Save The Queen".
Gordon Brown addressed the US, earlier today:
|“|| The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary."
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed." There will be no more bleeping of swear words on the Jerry Springer show, or any other show for that matter. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows or TV. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
The bill also ordered a ban on so called "US English", stating that there was no such thing as "US English" and therefore suggesting there is will be a criminal offence. The Foreign Office announced that they had given Microsoft two days notice to change all Microsoft spell checkers in accordance with this and with the general changes of language, set out in the bill. If Microsoft do not comply with this notice they will be "compulsorily bought for around £100". Gordon Brown also noted changes to American culture, which must take place to aid the instigation of a fair and free democracy in the USA.
|“|| The US should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney or upper-class twit. You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. On the subject of regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire and Louisianashire.
Furthermore Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Also Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audiences who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. Films such as "Harry Potter and The Philosopher's Stone" will not be renamed so Americans can understand the title.
The legislation is going to be "an innovative step for the USA and will be all-encompassing". The head of the British Football Association was said to be pleased with the changes to sport in the bill. A spokesperson for the Foreign Office addressed a press gathering later on in the day to discuss cultural and sporting law in the bill.
|“||I can confirm that American "football" has been made illegal with immediate effect. There is only one kind of football. What they call "football" is not a very good game. About 2% of the population of the USA know there is a world outside of their borders, and this 2% may have noticed no one else plays American "football". All American football will be instead replaced with real football, with more funding going to poor US clubs, such as LA Galaxy. Initially, it might be best if most Americans played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of them good enough will eventually elevate to the level of teenage football. Also braver American citizens will be, in time, allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like retarded chipmunks). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2012. Also the amount they play and watch baseball is ridiculous, this time will be reduced, so they are only allowed one game every two months. Also it is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Instead of baseball, they will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.||”|
The bill also addressed American gun law, very strongly. Criticising the legality of guns in the US and stating that "it is incomprehensible that people of this low brain calibre have been allowed to carry guns for so long and that they have not wiped out half of their population in this time". Americans will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. Neither will they be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. This is because the government do not believe the US population are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items. If anyone does wish to carry a vegetable peeler then a permit will be required. It is generally understood that to obtain this permit Americans will be given a trial period of five years, for which they will be granted an imaginary, invisible vegetable peeler. If they are sensible and can behave well in this period then you may be allowed to sit the Vegetable Peeler Permit Test.
One of the most controversial changes is the removal of the public holiday on the 4th of July. The two Americans who have found out about the US independence revocation are said to be outraged at this "bitter" British move. The two Americans are not available for comment but friends have said that "they are generally annoyed about everything in this bill. Hey what's a bill? Meh, anyways they say that banning US-made cars is unfair". However the Foreign Office remain adamant that US citizens will not miss their American made cars when they are introduced to German ones.
Among the numerous other changes being instigated with immediate effect are the conversion from Imperial measurements to metric, lessons for American students on British Humour, a ban on American beers and the shutdown of the American Budweiser company (so as to allow true Budweiser - as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic - to be sold without risk of confusion), a ban on the word "gas" being used to mean petrol and a switch between American and British petrol prices.
In further developments the British Treasury announced that it would be sending tax collectors to the USA from the 15th of April onwards to begin the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). Around £13m of this money will be invested in "Solve It" - an organisation founded to help Americans fix personal problems without violence, lawyers or therapists.
Brown also said that Americans will have one week to trade in all US Dollars and exchange them for British Pounds. He said that after one week not only will it be impossible to exchange US Dollars, it will be illegal to possess them and violation could result in a £1000 fine and/or one year in prison, along with said dollars.
Gordon Brown finished his speech to Parliament amid roars and cheers of support. Even the Conservatives cheered.
|“||And this will be a great day for the world! After 80 years of America being the biggest and some points, only, superpower have come to an end; it's time to swap back with the UK and for us to become the world policeman. In around 80 years we're happy to consider another role reversal, but until then, long live the British Empire! And a warning to the population of the United Sates of America: you have one week to tell us who shot JFK, or we will double your taxes.||”|