UnNews:UK Gov. pays £73m to zombies
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
UK Gov. pays £73m to zombies
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, May 26, 2015, 00:51 (UTC)
10 March 2009
LONDON, England -- Not content with taking your hard-earned wages in the form of taxes and handing it over to work-shy benefit-cheaters, the Labour Party paid out a staggering £73 MILLION to zombies in 2008, a new report by the Conservative Party shows.
Theresa May MP demanded that the Department of Work and Pensions got the problem under control and clawed back the benefits so that it could be given to those who need it most, ie; white home-owners who may be unable to keep up with mortgage repayments in the current economic climate. "It's absolutely shocking," a Conservative spokesman said last night, "These zombies think that they can just rise up out of their graves and be handed an easy life on a plate. What's more, while Gordon Brown and his party are in power, they're right."
The findings come hot on the heels of those made by a study into unemployment benefits claimed by Polish migrants last year, which discovered that as many as 300 Poles resident in the UK had received payments, in one case for an entire month, before they found paid employment. These payments may have cost the British tax-payer as much as £78,000 - that's 0.001p for every British man, woman and child; 0.001p that could have been put to much better uses such as buying much-needed equipment for your child's school. Multiply that by a mere thousand and you have enough to build a fully-functioning new hospital.
There are fears that the easy money will encourage even more zombies to flock to Britain, creating an even greater strain on our resources and using up low-cost housing stocks that were originally intended for decent young (heterosexual) couples struggling to get a foot onto the first rung of the property ladder. Police fear that a new influx of zombies will also lead to a massive increase in crime, especially petty offences such as handbag-snatching. "We're not saying that zombies are more prone to committing crimes than any other ethnic group, unlike black people - uh...leave that out, yeah? Forget I said it. We get in deep shit nowadays if we say anything that could be construed as racist, since the Stephen Lawrence inquiry," said Chief Superintendent Mengele of the Metropolitan Police last night, "it's more because they're unaware of our laws."
There are also worries that the influx of undead immigrants will herald a new wave of credit card fraud and ID theft, since it is known that gangs of immigrants commonly specialise in this type of crime which is believed to cost British banks over £10 billion per year. "Before we were forced to relax our border controls in line with the EU, credit card fraud amounted to around £100 a year," NaziBank security advisor Robert Göring informed the Daily Fascist. "This has been steadily rising ever since, and our internal studies have shown it's not, as some lefties have claimed, due to the increase in internet banking and our purported failure to implement effective online security but is a result of foreign criminal gangs becoming active in this country."
Even our wildlife is not safe - in May 2006, three zombies were arrested as they attempted to catch a swan - which, by ancient law, belongs to our beloved Majesty. In custody, they admitted that they had planned to eat the bird. This barbaric practice is considered quite normal in their places of origin. Shocked mother of seven Denise Chavton witnessed the event: "I was walking with my littluns through the town one Saturday on our way to McDonalds because it was one of my girl's birthday so I'd promised her a Chicken McNuggets meal and had saved up my dole money specially, she told us. "There were these foreign-looking geezers hanging about the side of the canal and my son, what's five, says to me, "What are them blokes doing, mum?" As I looked at them, I saw one of them chuck a noose over a swan's head and drag it over where the other two started stuffing it into a sack so I phoned the law on my mobile. It was horrible - to think those dodgy, dirty scroungers eat swans." They may also cause a depletion in fish populations as they are known to take whatever they can catch from rivers for the cooking pot. Several local river authorities have noted a huge decrease in numbers of the more noticeable fish such as pike and carp, with a similar reduction in smaller species being likely for the same reason.
Daily Fascist Editorial Opinion
Here at the Daily Fascist, we take great pride in considering ourselves to be the newspaper for the well-informed, intelligent British person. We are not racist - indeed, some of our best friends are black. We even went to an Indian restaurant for our staff Christmas dinner once, though we all had steak and chips because none of us like foreign food such as curry. We are the paper that speaks for all hard-working, decent, tax-paying people, regardless of their colour or country of origin. However, Britain is full. We cannot accept any more immigrants - there are simply not enough jobs to go round, and our already cash-strapped health service is struggling to cope. Some of our schools resemble Babel, there are so many different languages in use; and English - the time-honoured, beautiful, poetic tongue of our ancestors - is now in many areas the second most commonly spoken language. It is time to do something, to take radical action before it's too late. We urge our readers to show their disapproval of the Government's ill-advised and lax immigration policy at the next General Election by voting for whichever party pledges to introduce effective curbs on immigration.