UnNews:UFC Achieves World Peace

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UFC Achieves World Peace

Straight talk, from straight faces

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Monday, March 19, 2018, 16:58:59 (UTC)

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6 December 2011


Aspiring Chinese diplomat Georges St-Pierre easily defeated the Dali Lama in the first round with a basic chokehold, settling all differences between Tibet and China for once and for all.


Middle East Peace, the main fight, was over after 3 rounds. A brutal nose-yank submission caused thousands to lay down their arms.

Blood Soaked Mat, UFC Arena -- Using any style of martial arts available, UFC fighters have finally achieved world peace today, proving for good that punching and kicking the crap out of each other is the best way of solving complex and emotional disputes. Speaking before the fight was Tito Ortiz: "Sure, I might have lost a couple of fights lately but I have trained extra hard to solve this conflict in the Chechen Republic. I plan to use Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu to negotiate a lasting settlement between the factions there." Tito was not actually fighting, but offered to sell us Punishment Athletics clothing, which we declined.

Other highlights from the match included the distribution of food to the world's hungry by Mark Hominick's intense kicking power, as well as the creation of an extensive education and health infrastructure delivered by Jose Aldo's quick uppercut and a long term plan to send UFC fighters to distant planets to personally resolve any conflicts they may find there announced by Bruce Buffer.

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