UnNews:UEFA deny Champions League draw fixing
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|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
15 March 2008
NYON, Switzerland –- After claims from an informant that UEFA fixed the Champions League quarterfinal draw, "held" yesterday despite evidence it had already been drawn the night before, the association hit back today, refuting the claims and calling them "ridiculous".
"There is absolutely no way we fixed the Champions League draw. No way." said Michel Platini, president of UEFA. "The balls were yanked and pulled in a correct, unfixed fashion. We also did not heat the balls in any way to find out which ones they were. Really, we didn't, even though there's no proof."
"Why wouldn't we welcome all the English teams getting here? Their fans probabaly expected that anyway, given that they all expect their teams to win the damn thing, and God knows we don't want to upset the whiny English fans. Last time we did that, there was a mass riot if I recall. While that might be fun to see, I don't want to risk my comfy position in UEFA for it. The money is just too good."'
"What we think happened is that one of our employees was on UEFA's central computer, where we had a Microsoft Excel spreadsheet open displaying what we thought was the best possible draw: Chelsea vs Fenerbahçe because of
the Russian bribes, I mean, to see if Fener are for real, Liverpool vs Arsenal because we don't want four English teams in the semis, ummm...to see if Liverpool really are different in European matches, Manchester United vs Roma because we want to kill all of those bandwagon Man Utd fans, no, wait, we wanted to give Man Utd a bye to help them get to the final, no, that's not why either, wait, it was because we like seeing rematches of group games. Barcelona v Schalke was just the other match left. And no, just because the draw did play out exactly as the spreadsheet says doesn't mean it was fixed. We are working on finding the leak as we speak, and he will be punished harshly for incurring the wrath of the all-mighty UEFA!". Platini was unfortunately not available for further comment, as he then turned into a cyborg hellbent on destroying people believing the fix or even just starting to doubt UEFA.
The leak was first posted on a local bulletin board, from where it gained popularity and visibilty, finally ending up in the national media today, with extra long specials on how this shows Manchester United are fated to finally win this year included with the articles in the Mirror and Daily Star
- Tom Savage "EU'VE FIXED IT! - FANS CLAIM DRAW IS A CON AS CLUBS FACE DEADLY AWAY TIES". Daily Star, March 15, 2008