UnNews:U. S. Treasury revamps dollar bill (again)
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
U. S. Treasury revamps dollar bill (again)
Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard
Friday, July 1, 2016, 20:55:UTC)(
3 January 2007
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
Washington, DC - The U. S. Department of the Treasury has announced that it will introduce a new, refurbished dollar bill, which, instead of giving George Washington a facelift, will replace the first President’s image altogether, the place of honor going, instead, to Bill Clinton, the president whom Democrats believe represents “the best and the brightest that American politics has to offer,” and his one-time paramour, Monica Lewinsky.
“The Democrats won [the last congressional election],” Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi explained. “We want a Democratic president; if we can’t have one in the White House, we will put one on our dollar bill.”
Others maintain that the change stems from a desire to do away with the “lunatic fringe’s” conspiracy theory that the pyramid and eye of Horus on the reverse side of the bill has occult, possibly Masonic, significance. “As ridiculous as it may seem, many people think it has to do with a new world order that American politicians are secretly building behind the scenes,” Secretary of the Treasury John Snow snowed the press. “We’re not. You have my word on that.”
Instead of the familiar pyramid and eye of Horus that has occult, possibly Masonic, significance, the reverse side of the new bill will depict President Clinton engaging in the act for which he is best known by the national and international communities and which led to his disbarment for perjury after he tried to cover up his misconduct in the mistaken belief that, loose, Ms. Lewinsky’s lips could sink the ship of state. “That’s the Bill Clinton we know and love the best,” Dick Morris quipped.
In addition, on the Bill bill, as it is being called, the words “In God we trust” will be redacted, because, in the words of Congresswoman Pelosi, “Not all of us do.”
The new bills have caused some problems during tests. Many vending machines, ATM’s, and even Las Vegas slot machines refuse to accept them. Political commentator and radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh said, “Even the machines are smarter than the people who want another Democrat as president. Put George Bush on those dollars, and see how quickly they‘re grabbed.”