UnNews:U.S. soldiers give AIDS infected harlots to Iraqi insurgents as a false peace offering
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard|
6 June 2007
Baghdad, Iraq -- It was recently revealed that three months ago, U.S. Marines stationed in Iraq used illegal methods of biological warfare to fight the Iraqi insurgents. An American battalion stationed in Fallujah met with leaders of the insurgency and gave them 100 whores to sleep with, all of whom tested HIV positive, as a false peace offering in an attempt to "finally get rid of all those goddam terrorists."
Sergeant Major Blaine Wilson, the mastermind of the plan, began plotting his tactics three months ago. He sent his men to brothels across Arabia to find the most attractive harlots in the Middle East. The soldiers bought the whores from their pimps, most for relatively cheap prices. They were brought in secret to the U.S. Embassy in Baghdad where they were all infected by Beef Jenkins, a 90 year old porn star (and three time winner of the Horny Awards) who had AIDS.
Wilson then took the whores to the insurgent's secret camp, located in the desert outside of Fallujah. He met with the leaders of the insurgency, apologizing for invading their country, and offering them the whores as a gesture of peace. At first, the Iraqi insurgents were skeptical. "Why should we want to sleep with your whores?" asked the leader, Mahmoud Mohammed Ali-Sarak, "After all, when we die, Allah will give us 72 virgins to sleep with for doing his noble work." However, when the whores were brought into the insurgents' camp, the insurgents were so entranced by their beauty that they engaged them in an orgy that lasted all night. Mahmoud was so pleased with the whores that he offered Sergeant Wilson a drink and decided to make peace with the U.S. troops.
Two months later, Mahmoud and his troops began to show strange symptoms. One insurgent began sprouting fungi from his genitals, while another spontaneously combusted, then asploded. Dismayed, the Iraqi troops consulted local doctors who confirmed that they were infected with the HIV virus, and that they were experiencing the symptoms of incredibly dangerous STDs due to their weakened immunity. Through extensive investigation, scientists learned that the HIV virus, as well as the other STDs, were transmitted to the troops by the whores they slept with. Shortly before imploding as a result of his sickness, Mahmoud informed authorities that Sergeant Wilson was to blame for the debacle.
The United Nations looked into the insurgents' case and discovered that Sergeant Wilson violated the STD Act of 1963, an obscure act passed by the UN that prohibited the use of STDs as a weapon after an infamous case in World War II when English soldiers attacked the Nazis using prostitutes infected with general herpes. Members of the United Nations debated for months about whether to interfere with Wilson's illegal actions. Finally they decided to issue a statement, asking Sergeant Wilson to "please not do that again." As of yet, the UN has taken no further action to stop the AIDS epidemic that is now raging throughout Iraq.
In the United States, opinions over this issue are rigidly divided along political party lines, as usual. Human rights activists have rigidly condemned the actions of Major Wilson, but little reform has been attempted by the United States government. "Look, you people said you wanted a way out of here, and now we...uh...have one!" says George W. Bush on the issue, "and the rules of the UN only apply to our enemies. Human rights violations are acceptable, as long as it's US doing the human rights violating."
Recently, the AIDS epidemic has started spreading into the country's civilian population. "This is a GOOD thing!" says Bush on the subject, "we must stay the course of this transaction, and work quickly to build a wall around the country so the epidemic won't get beyond the borders. Then, we can simply sit back and watch the wondrous things we have done to help the Iraqis. After all, isn't it better to die of AIDS than it is to live under Islamic Fascism? I think so!"
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|