UnNews:U.S. military attempted to build "Gay Bomb"
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
U.S. military attempted to build "Gay Bomb"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, May 25, 2016, 13:07:UTC)(
13 June 2007
UNN San Francisco A California watchdog organization that tracks military spending said it uncovered a strange U.S. military proposal to create a hormone bomb that could purportedly turn enemy soldiers into stark raving homosexuals and make them more interested in "fisting" than fighting.
Pentagon officials on Friday confirmed to UNN that military leaders had considered, and then subsequently rejected, building the biggest "Gay Bomb" since Nancy Walker directed the Village People and Steve Guttenburg in You Can't Stop the Music in 1981.
As part of a military effort to develop non-lethal weapons, the proposal suggested, "A bomb, filled with Amyl Nitrate (poppers, in street lingo) could disorient enemy troops enough that the idea of making love, not war isn’t too much to ask for." The plan also called for super concentrated human growth hormone to help the enemy fighters develop guns (arms), six packs and Massive Pecs.
The documents show the Air Force lab asked for $7.5 million to develop such a chemical weapon.
“They want $7.5 MILLION dollars turn the enemies in to FAGS? God hates fags and God hates the United States for wanting to make more FAGS in the world!" Reverend Phelps opined.
“Why not just open up an adult bookstore? Why not just give them money to open a gay bathhouse?” Phelps asked rhetorically. “Hell, Donna Summer’s career is over and we could just pack her shriveled old black ass into a cake and drop that for lot less money than those jalapeño popper things that TGIF Fridays makes that they are proposing!”
"The Ohio Air Force lab proposed that a bomb be developed that contained a chemical that would cause enemy soldiers to become gay, and to have their clothing fibers break down because nude soldiers are just too hot a fetish to pass up," stated US Representative Barney Frank. "The dessert is hot, but uniforms are...hotter, don’t you think?"”
Phelps said the government records he obtained suggest the military gave the plan much stronger consideration than it has acknowledged.
"The truth of the matter is that they just didn't want to pacifiy these enemy combatents - they whated to turn them into honest to up-the-dirt-road-turd-burgularing-shit-eating-HOMOSEXUALS!"
Military officials, who incidentally wreaked of poppers, insisted Friday to UNN that they are not currently working on any such idea, that it was a blast while it lasted and that it would be OK if the reporters just let themselves out while the men got back to their group “research” exercise involving dark rooms, disco music metal partions and glory holes.