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26 April 2011
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- After much wrangling and debate, the U.S. has finally revealed - and immediately begun to enforce - implementation of phase 2 in the Libyan conflict, the creation of a sustainable "Green Hill Zone" over Libya.
The move has left many in the coalition baffled, with some former U.S. Army officials expressing grave concerns about the direction of the war effort; the main one being a perceived lack of reality awareness amongst its younger, Sega Genesis-reared commanders. Former Army chief of staff Peter Schoomaker said of the decision (which has cost billions of dollars to organize in secret):
|I don't think many of our younger officers - some of whom now hold a high rank in the military - understand that it's been a complete waste of money to design this floating island and badniks, especially when they are based on Japanese blueprints for 16-bit games. I like Sonic as much as the next man, but you don't see any plans to create man-size hedgehogs.|
Meanwhile, chief Army scientist Scott Fish admitted the task of designing the badniks has been draining:
|I'm not going to lie, it has been a struggle. It's extremely hard to make these flying crabs and whatnot, especially with the demands for less and less pixels from commanders...I tried to tell them this didn't apply in real-life, but they were insistent my designs were "too detailed" and needed to look "more like in the original game."|
In a statement issued by the White House this afternoon, press officer Jay Carney expressed doubts about Schoomaker's knowledge and went on to field criticism of the project:
|I don't understand their problem! This state-of-the-art, floating, emerald isle will provide our badniks with the perfect take off and landing zone from which to strategically strike the enemy. As for the badniks themselves, I remember from my childhood the crabs in particular were a pain in the ass. You'd try to jump on them - sorry, make "Sonic" jump on them - and they'd always release their fiery balls as you did so, resulting in death or at least the loss of rings. I don't think Libyan aircraft will want to take on that, I know I didn't, and died so many times - sorry, Sonic died - did I die? No, it was definitely Sonic. As for Schoomaker, he should know that even if we could make a big hedgehog, you can't make them stand on two feet. I think he's the one who's living in a fantasy Mobius - sorry, world.|
From his Tripoli compound, an embattled Colonel Gaddaffi issued a stirring speech to his followers this afternoon, and pledged to declare an "Emerald Hill Zone" upon his enemies.
|We shall make our own crabs that will attack on the ground while newtrons shall patrol their skies. We shall fill their rivers with those piranha things that perpetually jump up and down.|
Dr. Robotnik was not available for comment at this time.
- Andrew Woodcock, Geoff Meade and Liam Creedon, PA "Military action launched against Libyan forces". The Independent, March 19, 2011