UnNews:U.S. computer analysts claim only 65,535 Iraqis at max actually killed

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This article is part of UnNews UnNews Logo Potato1 Straight talk, from straight faces

14 October 2006


Datareduction

State of the art computing power coupled with DoD data mining techniques results in errorless results.

WASHINGTON DC -- U.S. computer experts from the Ministry of Defence issues a press statement shortly after the UnNews article "655,000 Dead Iraqis Urge Americans to Stay the Course" was published, stating in definite terms that the number was too high by a maginitude of 1024, also accusing UnNews of deliberately misrepresenting figures to slander the U.S. action in Iraq.

Quoting the press statement, "our dedicated Diebold instruments in assessing the numbers of wartime dead have consistently turned up 65,535, surprisingly consistent across every counting machine we used. No instruments have reported any other figure, and we would like to see the ones that reported UnNews' 655,000." Other army computer experts noted that "similarly, the number of bullets fired turned out to be 65,535, as did the number of missiles fired, etc. However, according to our precision instruments, the number of innocents killed is at most 1024, and the number of people supporting the U.S. liberation of Iraq is 1,048,576."

Bobblue2

Trained UnNews staff probe the higher dimensions to verify the governments calculations. The UnCanninator, shown above, is UnNews' gateway to the land of the dead, and cheaper than hiring psychics.

This immense discrepancy in figures has led to renewed worldwide interest in a light cynicism meringue, topped with apathy cream and a cherry. Experts are no longer being considered experts, and the inherent paradox is estimated by experts to be capable of killing at least 2048 people. However, more recently hired UnNews experts recommend taking the average of all published figures as the figure for the number of people killed in the Iraq war. 28 was yielded in preliminary calculations, suggesting that the method may be more reliable than mass media.

However, the same calculations also showed that viewers of mass media were less likely to pay attention to statistics, much less question their accuracy. Also, viewers were found to care less about people starving in third world countries than about blowing things up dramatically.

Therefore, UnNews now something completely different: a simulation of global thermonuclear warfare as envisioned by computer analysts.

Have a nice day.


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