|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
30 March 2012
Washington, D.C. - Since the United States Supreme Court is set to pounce and kill the Obama administration's Health Care mandate, mainly because Justice Anthony Kennedy decided to join four conservative collegues in ruling that it is unconstitutional for government to tell citizens what they have to buy, people across the nation are giving away their clothes and going nude into the world.
"Nobody can make me buy clothes ever again," said Diego Hernandez, "our honorable Supreme Court will soon end the oppression of governmental bodies telling people what they must purchase. I don't want clothes, never did. Now nobody can legally make me buy any."
Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg has already shed her robe, and now attends Supreme Court sessions naked as the day before she was born. "My conservative collegues are set to rule that laws cannot contain language which direct citizens what to purchase," Ginsburg said, sticking to her seat and dabbing the sweat from under her arms, "I choose not to buy clothes, and now I can finally go skyclad. I've given all my clothes to the poor, although most of them have started going naked as well. While I have no plans to buy new clothes, and now no governmental body can tell me I have to, there are these darling Italian shoes I've been eyeing."
"Justice Gingsburg has again gotten it right, much to our dismay," said Chief Justice John Roberts, spiffy in a three-piece suit and a stick up his ass, just like the day before he was born. "Apparantly, as a result of our ruling, as long as a person doesn't own any clothing, no federal, state, or city authority can compel him or her to buy some - damn it to hell! And since people can now walk around nude - they have to, they've given away all their clothes - the malls and Sardi's are never going to be the same again."
"Why didn't Thomas figure this out beforehand," bemoaned rotund Justice Anthony Scalia, "damn his dark hide. I don't know what to do!" "This decision will wreck havoc on the fashion industry," complained clothed QVC shopping host, Liza. "If nobody can force people to buy clothes anymore, that's the ball game. The whole ball of wax. Dibs on the window seat on the highway to hell. It's as if the world has turned upside down. Head over heels. Black is white."
Morality advocates were at a loss for words.
Since Ginsburg's pronouncement, the sale of handbags and shoulder bags, as well as knee, neck, and elbow bags, has risen dramatically. People seem to still want shoes, especially the women, even though the infamous "No Shirt No Shoes No Service" signs have been relegated to the status of the equally infamous "White Only Drinking Fountain" signs prevalent in what Justice Scalia calls "the good old days".
In retaliation, the five conservatives on the Supreme Court ruled that police can now stripsearch anyone at anytime. "They want to get naked," Justice Anthony Kennedy leered, "then we'll make them get naked. Any cop in the U.S. can now stop someone for a traffic violation, or for playing loud music, or even for looking at them cross-eyed, and stripsearch them. Right down to the skin and then some. Adults, kids, what have you. We've made sure that when your average potbellied policeman walks into an interrogation room filled with high school cheerleaders it's tits or GTFO!. Let's see how that goes over with the hippies."
Justice Ginsburg, shaking her head at the sheer weight of the idiots surrounding her on the Bench, said the Supreme Court will next address the concept of forced education. "We plan to debate the question: "Can government officials - i.e. Teachers, soon to be naked teachers - mandate that homework must be completed every day, even during Spring break. Some of us have always thought that refusing to do homework is an option, and is defined by the unrelevent jurisdiction of the 'pursuit of happiness' language made-up out of whole cloth by the Founding Fathers."
"But since our new clothing-optional law is in effect, it makes me think that mandatory homework will be much harder to defend, and will fall as well," Ginsburg thought out loud, visualizing the collapse of the Berlin Wall while rubbing her toes on the carpet and brushing pretzel crumbs off her breasts.