UnNews:U.S. May Ask IKEA to Sanction Iran
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
20 April 2006
(Stockholm, Sweden) With Iran boldly continuing to defy the international community and proceed with its uranium enrichment program, the United States is now threatening to ask IKEA to pressure the regime into backing down. Foreign leaders were at first surprised upon hearing these reports, thinking that perhaps President Bush has confused the furniture store IKEA with the IAEA (International Atomic Energy Agency). But the White House today assured that there was no mistake.
"The IAEA is useless," concluded spokesman Scott McClellan, pounding his fist on a "Bungholle" desk. "Their bureaucracy won't get anything done in this case - just like it didn't get anything done with Iraq." The Bush administration has long been critical of IAEA chairman Mohamed El-Baradei, hoping to have him replaced with nuclear maverick Dr. Strangelove. Analysts say sanctions from the furniture giant could have a wideranging impact on Iran.
Comfortable desks and chairs are crucial for the scientists working on the country's nuclear development. Without IKEA's sturdy "Granas" chairs and "Ramvik" tables, engineers would be unable to make much progress. Furthermore, Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad uses exclusively Ikea furniture at his palace, and without a fresh supply of brand name "Norbo" dining tables an "Ektorp" sofas, he would be the laughingstock of the region. 90% of Iran's home furnishing needs come from IKEA.
Speaking at the United Nations General Assembly and tableware sales conference, IKEA CEO Ingvar Kamprad declared his company is in favor of imposing the sanctions. "We don't won't to sell to countries that violate UN resolutions," he said, adding "and have you seen the new low, low prices on our "Burken" kitchen equipment?" Secretary General concurred with Kamprad, announcing he had just bought an entire set of utensils "at rock bottom prices" the previous week.
Iranian authorities are so far unfazed by the sanction threats, but diplomats expect the regime to reconsider if the measures are actually in place. "As soon as the downtown Tehran Ikea store closes," predicts US secretary of state Condi Rice, "Ahmadinejad will be begging us for new footstools." But for now, the renegade leader is still up to his old antics, today declaring that "The holodeck didn't exist" on the popular TV show Star Trek. Trekkies worldwide are outraged, especially contributors to Wiki site Memory Alpha, which Ahmadinejad said should be "wiped off the internet."
Should Ikea sanctions fail, the government says "all options are on the table," including the closure of all McDonald's restaurants in Iran. Critics say it is the government, not the citizens of Iran that should be made to suffer. "All people need nice bathroom cabinets", says pacifist Brett Fonzi, "and by closing IKEA, where will the people shop for furniture?"