UnNews:U.S. Government sends Chris Redfield to battle swine flu in Mexico
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U.S. Government sends Chris Redfield to battle swine flu in Mexico
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, August 2, 2015, 13:48:UTC)(
27 April 2009
MEXICO CITY, Mexico -- With the threat of a global Swine Flu pandemic growing by the hour, the United States government has activated its Bio-terrorism Security Assessment Alliance (BSAA) to help battle the epidemic. Special Agent Chris Redfield was sent to Mexico City to assess the situation. The Mexican government has provided its own agent, Sheva Alomar, to assist Mr. Redfield.
Upon his arrival in Mexico, Redfield discovered that the disease is far more sinister than originally thought. Apparently, after people become infected and die of this new strain of influenza, their dead bodies are somehow reanimated and rise from the dead in order to infect more victims. They reportedly move in a slow, zombie-like fashion, although the Centers for Disease Control insist that the word "zombie" not be used to describe the condition.
Many experts say it may already be too late to contain the disease, as cases have been reported in New York, Canada, and even as far away as New Zealand. Even remote towns, like Raccoon City, IL, are affected. Mr. Redfield is the world's last hope for finding the source of the infection, which at this time is thought to be a shadowy biotech corporation. Mr. Leon S. Kennedy, a bioterrorism professional who helped quell an epidemic in Spain a few years ago, says that he has full confidence in Mr. Redfield, despite his inexplicable inability to walk and shoot at the same time.
Scientists say there is no vaccine yet for the swine flu, but a few commonly available herbs can be used to treat the disease. The World Health Organization issued a bulletin indicating that all green-colored herbs can be used to restore one's health, and a concoction made of any green and red herbs can cure the disease completely. Unfortunately, red herbs are pretty scarce in the affected areas. Additionally it seems that the stockpiles of white and yellow herbs that some federations have been hording recently to try and ward off the disease seem only to cause drowsiness and memory loss.. I think.
Initial reports from Mr. Redfield's expedition present a horrifying picture of the victims affected by the swine flu. Some subjects exhibit strange mutations that make them resemble pigs. Snouts, hooves, and curly tails have all been observed on various infected individuals. If confronted by such a mutant, the CDC recommends a shotgun blast to the head as the best method of defense.
Even President Barack Obama was potentially exposed to the swine flu during his visit to Mexico last week. While there, he greeted a man who the following day grew a snout out of his forehead and mauled twenty people to death before being blown up with an incendiary grenade. Mr. Obama, however, has so far been free of symptoms, but is being monitored closely by doctors. "Sometimes the parasite, err..., I mean virus, can take a few days to emerge," explained Army surgeon Albert Wesker who also stated that this Pandemic can cause a "Complete. Global. Saturation." if Mr. Redfield is unable to stop the Swine Virus. All residents are cautioned to keep an eye out for this new, evil disease.