UnNews:U.N. recognizes WalMart
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U.N. recognizes WalMart
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, May 28, 2015, 00:48:UTC)(
21 June 2009
Bentonville, Arkansas - Today the United Nations recognized de jure what had long been known de facto. That WalMart, with more associate/citizens than 25% of the world's countries and having a revenue that if expressed as a GDP is the 24th most wealthy country out of over 200, is now, has been, and ought to be, a free and sovereign nation.
"Hell, even Pitcairn Island with about 50 inbred, mouth breathing descendants of scalawags, mutineers and raped Tahitians is being said to have sovereignty. How could we deny WalMart?" said Secretary General Ban Ki-moon. "Besides, what they donated to WHO last year...wow. I mean...wow."
Indeed, with well over 2,000,000 associates spanning the globe, and growth figures leaving industrialized nations in the dust, Walmart is shaping up to be a formidable new player on the international scene. "We never gave too much of a crap about all those OSHA safety regulations, health codes, SEC rulings, Labor law bs, etc.", said Mike Duke, "But now that we're our own nation, we are the law - and I assure you that we are in full compliance with that law!"
Mike Duke, former CEO, is now called "El Presidente", reflecting Walmart's long term plans to be more dominant in Latin American affairs. "We shopped around for what the best and most efficient government was, and it was definitely hands down to be a dictatorship.", said El Presidente Duke. "Frankly, having interviewed all of them, we can assure you that our associates - er, citizens - are just not educated enough to meaningfully participate in democracy. So we do all their thinking for them, and pass the savings on to you."
The day to day operations are expected to be little changed. Besides the CEO being the President and the stockholders the Electoral College, there are few other visible changes. The most notable one is that the "Greeters" are now to be called "Customs Agents" and will be under Walmart's Immigration and Customs Enforcement department. Long time customers are advised to start bringing their passports next time they are visiting to enjoy the "still great savings".
While not so visible to the public, their fifty thousand strong Loss Prevention Specialists are expected to make up the nucleus of one of the world's largest private armies. Augmented by Nigerian mercenaries and ex-pats from Sudan, Iraq and Afghanistan, it is expected to be one of the most formidable ever seen. "Our forces will purely be for self defense, to repel any attacks from rivals like Target or K-Mart. Of course, they are also expected to come in handy if any small nation tries to regulate us, or start up any 'union nonsense'. We are working closely with Coca Cola for tips on that.", said El Presidente Duke.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has expressed concern, mostly over the anti-liberalistic leanings of this new nation. "While we have dealt with more repressive regimes, we are mainly concerned over their plans to acquire nuclear capabilities. That and their plans for the Department of Defense to be located in North Korea." This concern was dismissed, and it was stated that Walmart's nuclear programs are purely to give it a sustainable source of energy for their stores, that doesn't have them dependent on foreign oil. "Though we reserve the right to defend ourselves by any means necessary.", said Duke, while ribbon cutting at the newest SuperCenter in Pyongyang, North Korea.