UnNews:U.K. schoolgirl loses ‘virginity’ court battle; Lydia Playfoot says she should be exempt from school ban on virgins
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
20 July 2007
|Warning: If you are a Christian fundamentalist who has never had pussy, you may be offended|
|This news story is currently being recorded as an audio file by Kenvalyi.|
|Sayeth Kenvalyi: "Hold on... this one's mine!"|
London, England (Reuters) - A teenager who wished to remain a virgin until she married has lost a High Court battle against her high school's ban on virgins. Lydia Playfoot a 16-year-old piece of jailbait claimed that her virginity was an expression of her Christian faith and that she should be exempt from the school's ban on virgins.
After the court's decision 16-year-old Lydia said "I am very disappointed that the Court would not allow me to keep my virginity. My beliefs are that sex outside of marriage is immoral and I don't believe that I should have to conform to the school's ideology that everyone should have to lose their virginity at the age of 16". The judge responded that the school's policy on sex is "Old enough to drive, old enough to be driven", meaning that if someone is old enough to drive a car they are old enough to have sex. Lydia responded that all this means is that you can have sex, not that you have to. The judge concurred with this but said it was explictedly stated that all 11th and 12th graders were not permitted to be virgins at the Whoresham West Sex school.
The school imposed a ban on virgins in 2005 after students and teachers complained that too many hot pieces of ass were claiming to be "waiting for marriage" and were not putting out. It is possible for a student to get an exemption from the ban but they usually have to be ugly in order to receive one. Lydia applied for an exemption but was told by the school's principal, Seymour Kuntz, that she was too hot to be exempted. "You may think its a sin for you to have sex but I think its a sin that I can't have a piece of your hot ass. I'd like nothing more than to tear your clothes off and passionatly make love to your hot 16-year-old body" Kuntz was quoted as saying while sporting a raging hard-on. Disgusted, Lydia stormed out of the office. Since the school would not allow her to remain a virgin, she decided to take her case to the High Court of England.
The school did allow her to remain a virgin through the proceedings and she was allowed to finish grade 10 with her cherry intact. On Monday the court ruled that the school had the right to demand its students lose their virginity in the 11th grade and Lydia was given until September 1st, when school starts again, to lose her virginity. After the verdict, Lydia said that she would absolutely not lose her virginity before marriage. Since the court is not legally allowed to kick her out of school, they had to order a court-imposed devirginification.
Lydia was taken to a hotel for the devirginification process. The police officers who accompanied the girl to the hotel were all entered into a lottery to see who would get to have sex with her. Const. Mike Hawk won the draw and was given full access to the young hottie. He kicked everyone out of the room but unfortunately the judge had to remain to witness the divirginification process. Lydia tearfully pleaded with Officer Hawk and Judge Dread to allow her to remain a virgin. Even though they both had raging hard ons and Lydia was compeletly naked, they decided that they couldn't go through with it if Lydia really didn't want it. Unfortunatly, the Judge said he was required by law to deflower Lydia but he decided to cut a deal with her. Officer Hawk would perform oral sex on her and if she could hold out without demanding he put it in her, she could keep her virginity. She was warned by Judge Dread that she would experience intense pleasure and may end up wanting it in the end but she agreed to the arrangement knowing this is the only chance she would get to keep her virginity.
Officer Hawk started off by passionatly kissing Lydia and gently stroking her hair. Even though Lydia was committed she'd remain a virgin, she felt a tingle of excitement run through her spine as Mike Hawk kissed her. This was the first time she did anything with a man and she felt a little guilty pleasure. Hawk slowly began kissing down her neck and then onto her breasts where he felt her nipples harden in his mouth. Lydia began to experience feelings she has never had before. She had never been so aroused in all her life, she had secretly masturbated a few times but never told her parents because she was indoctrinated with the belief that all sex was evil unless it was with a spouse. This felt even better than the times she had masturbated. Hawk had just reached her navel and she could already feel her snatch become wet. Finally Mike made his way to her snatch. It was a masterpiece. Tighter than a nun and shaved bald. Even though Lydia never had anyone inside her before she also kept her snatch shaved and cleaned. It just felt better that way. "Cleanliness is next to Godliness" Lydia used to say to herself. Mike began to gently tease her clit and Lydia let out a deep moan. Lydia began to fondle her breasts as Mike dove deep into her eager snatch. Lydia didn't know what hit her, waves of pleasure began shooting through her body, the bedsheets were now soaked with her lovejuices.
Mike could sense that Lydia was about to orgasm and purposely pulled back, only gently teasing her. Lydia began moaning and when she realized that Mike was only teasing her, begged for his cock to be in her. Mike gladly obliged and stuck his large unit into her. Lydia shrieked with delight and was brought to a massive orgasm. Wave after wave of pleasure hit Lydia until she collapsed into a deep sleep in Mike's arms.
After she awoke, she commented to Mike that she had the best time of her life with him and couldn't believe that she waited so long to lose her virginity. Officer Hawk and Judge Dread called the school to let them know that Lydia had lost her virginity and she was allowed to go back for Grade 11. Her parents found out about her wild night with Mike Hawk and disowned her and kicked her out of their house but she didn't care. She and Officer Hawk, 28 have moved into together and now make passionate love every night. When asked what advice she would give to sexy hot girls her age who have pledged to remain virgins until marriage; Lydia had this to say "Don't wait to have sex, its the greatest thing ever. You don't have to do it with some greasy old bastard like my principal Seymour Kuntz but if a hot guy who treats you well offers, don't pass it up. I mean you wouldn't buy a car without taking it for a test drive so why would you wait until marriage to have sex". Lydia's only regret is that she listened to her fundamentalist parents for too long. They had brainwashed her into believeing that everything that is fun is evil. She has made a new pledge though, to have has much fun as possible because you only live once.
- Bill Clinton "Virgin eh? Do you know what we do to virgins in here?". The Cherry Poppers, July 18, 2007