UnNews:Typhoid Marry! TB Carrier and Wife's First Kiss
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3 June 2007
(Atlanta – UNN) Mr. Andrew Speaker, of the Quarantine Unit of Denver’s Jewish Medical Center, and Mrs. Andrew Speaker of Atlanta have granted Uncyclopedia News Now exclusive rights to the publication of a photograph capturing the joy and promise of their first kiss as a married Tuberculosis Carrier and Wife, from their May wedding in Italy.
The happy couple was married despite Mr. Speaker’s medical condition, of which neither claims to have known that anything was really wrong with the groom other than a mild case of coughing.
“We had no idea that he was ill,” claimed Mrs. Speaker. When asked to explain the masks if the groom was unaware that he was ill with TB, Mrs. Speaker responded "We just found these masks and thought it would be novel to use them as a spur of the moment gag like we saw on NBC’s Wedding Crashers television program."
But, in the fullness of time, many things have become clear to Mrs. Speaker, "When we were dating Andy always insisted on oral sex. He kept saying he wanted to do it this way for me! I didn't believe him and thought he was just trying to make me do disgusting things to him to get his satisfaction at my expense. But now I realize he really was having me give him oral all for my benefit. He was thinking of me all the time! Now, I would do this for any guy." "I'm ashamed to say that I also questioned why he wanted me to swallow. But now I've learned to trust!"
Now on their honeymoon, the two are enjoying quality time talking on the phone, spending time together holding hands (up against glass windows) and going over the guest and gift list.
United States authorities have been asked to take a close look at Dr. Robert Crooksey, TB researcher and father of the bride, because his "special, one of a kind gift" hasn't arrived at the couple's home. According to investigators, Mrs. Speaker contacted them in April when her father's gift to his future Son-in-law failed to be delivered to the "groom to be's" downtown Atlanta office.
“Daddy said that he mailed a present to Andy at his office, but the envelope just contained a scratch and sniff Hallmark card from National Centers for Disease Control's gift shop. Daddy kept telling me that 'Andrew will never guess in a million years what I just gave him!' So naturally, we're perplexed, but looking forward to seeing what develops next!”
After Mr. Speaker is released from treatment, the couple plans to make their home in a dry, warm climate and spend lots of time relaxing in the sun doing "plenty of anal."
- Staff Writers "Bride's father gives TB patient some fatherly advice about traveling abroad.". Associated Press News Wire, June 3, 2007