UnNews:Two old white guys spend an evening discussing politics

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Two old white guys spend an evening discussing politics

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5 October 2016


White guy on the left, second white guy to his right.

FARMVILLE, Virginia -- Americans everywhere were utterly bewildered Tuesday night as the usual programming was replaced by a debate between two old white people no one had ever heard of. Various political sources state, off the record, that the men are the vice presidential candidates, though the sources could not remember their names either, although everyone has known their running mates, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, for decades.

Having learned just hours before that the vice presidential debate was happening, CBS News contributor Frank Luntz quickly assembled a focus group of undecided voters to watch the debates and give their reaction. Unfortunately, no one in the focus group even knew that Clinton and Trump had running mates.

"Yeah, I know it's something presidential candidates usually do, but I figured they just skipped that part this year," somebody in the focus group said.

"Wait, so Joe Biden won't be be vice president again next year?" somebody else in the focus group asked, in a faint Indian accent.

Luntz, who knew as little about the vice presidential candidates as the people in focus group, called for a show of hands over the "winner" after the debates had ended. "White Guy" achieved a clear majority over "Slightly Louder White Guy".

"White Guy felt like a more authentic white guy than Slightly Louder White Guy," one of White Guy's voters explained.

However, nobody in the focus group felt that the debate changed their opinions of the candidates, as they didn't even know which white guy was aligned with which candidate.

"The guy with the blue tie was the Democrat, right?" a person in the focus group asked.

UnNews reached out to people who watched the debates on television, and after gathering the responses, Slightly Louder White Guy had a slight edge. One participant said, "I liked his aggressiveness. He really showed Chris Christie what for," a responder said. When he was informed that neither debater was Christie, he shrugged it off, saying "they all look the same to me".

The consensus among all of the responders was that they would have much rather been watching The Voice, where at least Whoopie would have told them how to vote. "If I wanted to listen to white men arguing about taxes, I would have changed the channel to CNBC," a responder said.

The vice presidential candidates could not be reached for comment, because not knowing who they are, one cannot look up their phone numbers.

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