UnNews:Two birds killed with one stone; Scientists baffled
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Two birds killed with one stone; Scientists baffled
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, July 6, 2015, 22:49:UTC)(
22 May 2007
MUNICH, Germany -– Scientists around the world have been baffled today by the news that a German man has killed two birds, with one stone. Reuters reported the stunning event earlier this morning with shock and disbelief being felt throughout the scientific community.
“I’m just flabbergasted really,” said one French scientist. “It’s just so utterly retarded. I mean… what the fuck is so great about this? Nothing really. I mean… why am I still talking to you? This is ridiculous. I’m not wasting my time with this anymore. Go on! Get the fuck out of my office!”
The man who killed the birds has been identified as 33 year-old, Hans Ucker of Shittelsbaden. Mr. Ucker has claimed he’s been trying to kill two with one stone for many years now. At a press conference this afternoon, Mr. Ucker went on to say:
“Some have said that I have a sick obsession with killing small animals and to that I say…yes, I do like killing small animals. I really quite enjoy it in fact. I feel like a big man you know. I-I-I like to take a big stone and just smash their tweeny weeny little brains all over the place and crush and kill and destroy and murder and savage and exterminate….”
After he cleaned the saliva of his mouth, Mr. Ucker went on to say:
“Everyone knows birds are just vermin…. They’re almost as bad as the Jews really”
German Chancellor, Angela Merkel has announced three days of mourning for the two birds and thirty days of celebration for Mr. Ucker’s achievement. At Mr. Ucker’s request, Germany is to stage a second Kristallnacht on his behalf.
“I can’t wait!” said Mr. Ucker. “The kids are gonna love it!”