UnNews:Two Public Figures Arrested for Multiple Offenses
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Two Public Figures Arrested for Multiple Offenses
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, March 23, 2018, 01:46:UTC)(
19 March 2008
Mr. Wilde released a public statement from his jail cell last night, apologizing for his actions, which have sent ripples through the stunned community at Uncyclopedia. Worshiped as a near deity, Mr. Wilde’s fall seems to closely resemble that of Mr. Eliot Spitzer, who, despite his surge in popularity, resigned as Governor last week.
In his statement, Mr. Wilde apologized for his involvement with Mr. Grue, stating that “’’My rash actions have bought shame to all those who once respected me, and I beg you to forgive me for what I have done’’” Mr. Wilde goes on to state that he never intended for the night going as horrifically as it did.
The charge of drug possession to Mr. Wilde claims that he had in his possession 8 kittens, as well as an oversized straw, and was clearly in a state of hyperactivity, clearly induced by his doings. The combination of alcohol and kitten fur addled Mr. Wilde to the point where he could not stand when being inspected by the police officer, and a subsequent Breathalyzer examination revealed Mr. Wilde had a .12 Blood Alcohol Concentration. The driver, Mr. Grue, was in an even worse state. Mr. Grues BAC was at 0.22, which is probably the only reason the officer is still alive, rather then sitting in Mr. Grues digestive tract. The unidentified man registered a .02 BAC, meaning he was only brave enough to chug one bottle of Beer.Total expenses are still coming in, but at the time it is estimated that 2 police cars have been damaged beyond repair, $17,000 in damage has been incurred in public property, God’s left eye has been temporally blinded by all the sparks and fire, Mr. Wilde’s eardrums popped from Mr. Grue’s screaming, and one extremely depressed publisher left to report on the events.
Calls to Mr. Wilde’s home were unanswered, but Auntie Grue declined to take part in an interview regarding her nephew’s behavior. She did comment that her nephew’s actions have “’’severely scarred her feelings of integrity she held for him’’”
Although only speculation, rumors have come in that the third man is none other then <insert name here>, one of the many members of Uncyclopedia.