UnNews:Two British women die in Tenerife
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Two British women die in Tenerife
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, July 30, 2015, 02:34:UTC)(
7 April 2014
SANTA CRUZ DE TENERIFE, Tenerife -- In breaking news two women in Tenerife have died, who happened to be British. This information was sourced directly from the BBC who had sourced it directly from El Mundo, the Spanish media giant. The number of women said to have died is "two" according to the Mayor of Santa Cruz de Tenerife. The whole disaster is now being named the "Biwomenal Death Crisis of 2014" by international media. The two women were said to have died somewhere in Tenerife and their names will be remembered forever as the women, who numbered two and died in Tenerife.
"What makes this story so real and passionate" said the Director of BBC News, when asked upon the subject, "is that death is involved. The news only covers stories that are extravagent and world breaking, that shape and change the course of human history dramatically and two people dying in Tenerife certainly does that. Millions dying in African Civil Wars, in Syria, in NHS hospital wardrobes etc. is completely overtaken by the news story that two women have died in Tenerife."
The forensic team who rushed to the scene reported that the women were in fact dead. After searching for why the women died, the evidence pointed to "Natural Death," a not-so-rare occurence of death across the World. "A fact that has been overlooked in the great story of World affairs, I think, is that natural death happens all the time," explained Padre Pablo, the local Catholic Priest, "Whether we like it or not people die and it is not something to get excited about unless it is unusual. In this case of course the odd thing is that there were two British women and they died in Tenerife, which distinguishes their deaths by a mile."
However, the findings that the cause of death was "Natural Death" are not completely solid as the only evidence taken into account was the BBC news page which didn't state why they died. "There's a small chance it may have been a freak whirlpool, shark attack or possibly even aliens but using the scientific method of analysis we can only presume that the most likely explanation for their deaths was "Natural Death"" said a leading forensic scientist at his laptop, reading the BBC webpage.
When asked what two women had been doing in such a dangerous country as Tenerife the reply given by Juan and then translated by his younger brother Juanito was, "Is usual to 'ave many British tourist in this time of year in Tenerife. Thousands come to relax in the lovely beaches. The weather here is always scorchio!" So maybe the two women should have been in Tenerife, maybe dying in Tenerife isn't as unusual as it first might seem.
Even so these women died after being rescued from the sea, so perhaps the news story is as ground breaking as previously thought, perhaps the story of them being swept into the waves and nearly drowning is merited over the thousands of people each year who get swept into sea and only get a mention in the local paper if they're lucky. Whatever the reason behind the deaths, the World has been changed by the deaths of two women in Tenerife and it is certainly right that we should remember them above all others who've died in the world today because their names were on the front page of the BBC News.