Twitter adopts anti-goat stance

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25 January 2019

Zuckerberg Dorsey goat

(L to R) Lt. Cmdr. Data of Star Trek TNG and Facebook, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey, unidentified goat (file photo).

PALO ALTO, California -- In a recent interview, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey reported on a dinner with Facebook CEO and guardian of humanity's privacy Mark Zuckerberg. Dorsey asked, "What’s for dinner?" and was told "goat". And salad. Zuckerberg remarked that he ate goat all the time and loved it. After a long wait, the goat dish was pronounced ready and brought to the table. Dorsey reports it was cold: "That was memorable". He took the now obligatory picture of the dish but only ate the salad. Fearing hurt feelings if he rated the meal too low on Yelp, Dorsey held back his vote. Nonetheless, he woke up the next day to find someone had hacked Twitter.

Zuckerberg stated "I couldn’t really dispute what Dorsey said, but he’s probably just a coward hiding behind his nanny's skirts in not wanting to eat anything I cooked out of his sight. Fair enough. He did say the meal was memorable, didn't he?"

"If he didn't want to eat what I cook, that's his business. It was in the oven for an hour, cooking to perfection. Forgetting to turn on the heat is a very common, normal, simple thing that happens all the time to everyone. You save energy that way, any way you look at it. You should know that Facebook forgets to turn over your porn-watching data to the NSA every once in a while, too. Do you really want to criticize that? So give me a pass on cooking. I eat raw goat all the time anyway. Besides, cold is just fine. Don’t you eat cold leftovers? Don’t knock it if you haven't tried it. And waste not, want not. Dorsey must be one of those weird rare guys who are curiously sensitive to pathogens found in uncooked food. Who am I to judge?"

When asked about keeping goats, he replied, "Let’s be very clear about this. Those are not my goats out there destroying the environment. Those are wild goats that happen to be on my property. So anyone can tase them. This one happened to be one of two wearing black suits, white shirts and ties standing on my doorstep. You could easily mistake them for Mormon missionaries, but that’s just a clever disguise used to try to fool innocent people like me. I have a particular God-given talent for spotting disguised goats that I have sharpened by personal training. Zombies, too."

"So I tased both these goats ringing my doorbell and finished them off with a knife. The Stand Your Ground laws say I can protect myself. About a hundred stabs each and they bleed out and get tenderized at the same time. Then I butcher them into like wings and thighs in the basement. I usually send [dead invasive goat parts] down to this "Shorty" guy who belongs to this nearby motorcycle riding organization. I am told he donates them to charity. It was about this time I decide to go on the personal challenge to only eat meat that I had killed and dressed myself. So I called "Shorty" and gave him a bullshit apology and had him bring the goats back. He delivered them back in a 55-gallon drum. So, hey, I'm recycling cans, too."