UnNews:Truth Detector promises new era of safe cybersex
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
25 February 2014
WARSAW, POLAND -- Local Researcher Dr. K. Kowalski has recently introduced a new Skype and texting lie detector able to verify the veracity of online dating claims and graphics. The method of lie detection is rooted in old technology, but it is the online version being made available to the public that is poised to help not only women seeking true love, but also love-struck males who are unsure if they are chatting with the innocent-looking cutie they see, or a psychopathic ax-grinder who has a hidden agenda.
This revolutionary online detection system can automatically ascertain if a text or Skype user is being totally truthful or not. It is able to filter false words or emoticons from factual claims and emotions. It will enable the girls to ascertain if the dude they are chatting with is really serious about a relationship or just wants to shag them? And it will help the boys ascertain just the opposite.
The project, called enhanced cyber interrogation (ECI -- pronounced "Icky"), was propelled primarily by the Internet dating industry, although it has already been in use for years by the NSA. It is named after the Greek mythological character Icky, who was infamous for spreading hogwash back in mythical times.
“Because of the prevalence of liars stalking online social networks, in particular dating services, users need this detection feature to prevent zombies and other riff raft from misusing them,” said Dr. Kowalski, the lead researcher at the University of Lublin in Poland.
“The problem with on-line flirting is that it happens so fast. And this makes it difficult to quickly respond to proposals, for example, if a Taylor Swift look-alike is asked to show her breasts by a man who supposedly looks identical to Brad Pitt. Both sides are now able to quash a lie before it spreads, or worse, shows up at the front door dressed as a Jack-o-lantern,” she added.
“This is possible because no two voice inflections or typing styles are exactly alike. They are as individual as fingerprints. What we have done is combine old lie detector dynamics with modern type and voice recognition technology, and the result can immediately enable anyone to tell if a spoken or typed word is true.
"Now even non-NSA commoners can benefit from it," she bragged. "And best of all the feature will be free. In fact, it is likely to become a global government mandated policy in the future, at least on their end."