Trump to combine presidency and FBI job

Straight talk, from straight faces

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11 May 2017


James Comey, former FBI Director.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Donald Trump intends to combine his current job of U.S. President with that of Director of the FBI, following the dismissal of James Comey. In between a busy day on Twitter and planning his next weekend at Mar-a-Lago, Trump said he came to that decision because Comey had refused to accept his word that the "Russian business was fake news" and that the FBI Director should instead charge Hillary Clinton for continuing her "sour grapes campaign" against Trump.

"I had full confidence in James Comey, if he had stuck to nailing Hillary's big ass into an orange jumpsuit," Trump said. "Instead, Comey lost my confidence by asking me what Olga and Natasha were doing on my bed in an Russian hotel. So he had to go. We need a much better man or woman in charge of the FBI. So much better. You'll see."

The President said Comey's deputy, Andrew G. McCabe, can "answer the phones and wear a clean white shirt while on duty," but that he has begun looking for a permanent replacement, which could only go to someone in whom he had "110% trust." Since daughter Ivanka Trump and son-in-law Jared Kushner are a bit busy making plans to rehydrate the swamp, the President said he would be in active control until son Barron finishes school in July and becomes available to undergo his federal pre-employment background check.

Democrats such as Elizabeth Warren and Nancy Pelosi reacted to the job consolidation by vowing impeachment. They had fumed silently over the wall at the Mexican border, starting several trade wars, and lobbing missiles at an air base in Syria. But Rep. Pelosi said that reducing the federal head-count by 1 was "a bridge too far."

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