UnNews:Trump shows the way to Heaven
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Trump shows the way to Heaven
Straight talk, from straight faces
Thursday, August 24, 2017, 01:35:UTC)(
20 February 2016
STRATOSPHERE -- The religious dispute between Donald Trump and Pope Francis has escalated into the stratosphere, and beyond. Trump recently announced the purchase of Virgin Galactic, which, according to Trump, "will open the gates of Heaven to anyone with enough of the only currency that really matters in this world."
"I'm going to Heaven, and I don't care what the Pope says!" Trump told a crowd of supporters. "Who does the Pope think he is, telling me I shouldn't build that wall and send the bill to Mexico? He says it's not Christian, and that people who build walls don't go to Heaven. Well, maybe that's right - if that's all they build. If they want to go to Heaven, they need to build a viable space program. That's why I bought Virgin Galactic. I'll show him who's going to Heaven! I've been there before, it was fabulous, I can't describe how fabulous it was."
Virgin Galactic plans to ferry passengers up 50 miles above Earth's surface -- a height the company said "officially marks the boundary between Heaven and Earth". Tickets for going to Heaven will start at a mere $250,000 for tourist class. Although heavenly accommodations are sparce at the moment, Trump's plans for his Mansions in the Sky include casinos and portals from which wealthy tourists can look down on the other 99.99% still stuck on planet Earth.
"Looking down from Heaven, we'll be able to keep an eye on the progress the Mexicans are making on that Great Wall of America I'll be making them build," says Trump.
Richard Branson, Virgin Galatic's current owner, is thrilled to have Trump funding the project. "This means Heaven can be made accessible in a way that has only been dreamed about before. One of the things that I think is most powerful is that we'll be able to get a new perspective on Heaven, as hundreds and eventually millions of people are able to go Heaven, and live to tell about it. That's never happened before."
"Like it says in the Bible, 'Blessed are the rich, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven'." Trump told students at Liberty University. "I believe it says that in Two Corinthians. "
Asked if he has any plans to run for Pope, Trump laughed "Those crazy hats they have to wear would just mess up my hair!" then added "I might consider running for Jesus, though."
Vatican sources stated that Virgin Galactic is not affiliated with the Virgin Mary or any of her subsidiaries.
- Jessica Taylor "Citing 'Two Corinthians,' Trump Struggles To Make The Sale To Evangelicals". NPR, January 19, 2016
- J. Taylor Rushing "Trump says he believes in Heaven, is striving to get there -and thinks he's doing a 'pretty good' job of it so far". Dailymail.com, 26 November 2015
- Patrick Healy "Donald Trump Fires Back at Sharp Rebuke by Pope Francis". The New York Times, FEB. 18, 2016