UnNews:Trump questions whether Obama is a Horcrux
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
3 May 2011
ISLAMABAD, Pakistan -- As the United States of America braces itself for a new age in terrorism following the death of Osama bin Laden, concerns have grown over just how dead bin Laden truly is. The lack of public photographical evidence and the burial of the body in international waters have only spurred mild-mannered, level-headed conspiracy theorists to question the reliability of the American government's reports.
Accordingly, potential 2012 GOP contender Donald Trump called for greater transparency and disclosure from the Obama Administration regarding bin Laden's ultimate fate.
"We have reliable sources reassuring the American people that Osama's body has been shot, killed, and disgraced in every way humanly imaginable," Trump said. "What we do not know, however, is the current location of the remaining fragment of his soul. The good, fair, and unquestionably attractive people of this great nation deserve to know what, or who, is Osama's last Horcrux."
Trump was referring to the famous counter-terrorism breakthrough in the summer of 2006 that revealed that bin Laden had used dark and powerful Muslim magic to split his soul and place a piece of himself into an object following his most prominent terrorist attacks. Bin Laden would have been able to use these Horcruxes to revive himself from the dead, effectively granting the infamous terrorist immortality.
American intelligence revealed nearly five years ago that bin Laden is expected to have produced seven Horcruxes, a number considered to carry additional magical properties within the Muslim occult. To date, the CIA has located and destroyed six of the Horcruxes, including the diary bin Laden kept as a young insurgent during his first bombing on the Gold Mihor Hotel and the wedding ring of the US Ambassador present in the 1998 United States Embassy bombings in Kenya and Tanzania.
The identity, let alone the location, of the final Horcrux remains elusive to American intelligence. It is almost universally agreed upon that the seventh Horcrux would have been made following the 9/11 terrorist attacks, but the CIA continues its search for the last remaining piece of Osama's living soul without a single reliable lead.
Trump, however, alongside members of the fringe right-wing "'Cruxer" movement suspect that the current Commander-in-Chief, President Barack Obama, is the last Horcrux.
"Since the 2008 presidential campaign, the pressure has been placed on Obama to prove that he is not a Horcrux," said Trump. "Where was Obama on September 11th? What definitive proof is there that he is not Osama's seventh Horcrux? This is the issue on the minds of every true American. After all, a Horcrux cannot be president."
While the language of Article II of the American Constitution does not specifically reference the case of a Horcrux president, it does clearly state that the president must be a natural-born American citizen. Since part of bin Laden's soul would be infused with Obama's if he was a Horcrux, most Constitutional scholars agree that Obama would not fully qualify as an American citizen.
Releasing an official statement early Tuesday morning, the Obama Administration did indicate that they now believe that bin Laden made his pet snake, Ayman al-Zawahiri, his seventh Horcrux. In the statement, Obama assured the nation that he was fully committed to tracking down the last remnants of bin Laden's magically fractured soul and that his "lightning bolt-shaped scar across [his] forehead would not cease throbbing until America and her allies are safe and the mission is accomplished."