Trump near convincing Indiana to stay in US

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25 November 2016

Air conditioners

This key bit of Americana will remain under the Red, White, and Blue, thanks to Trump.

TRUMP TOWER, New York -- U.S. President-elect Donald Trump reported progress in keeping the state of Indiana from carrying out a threat to pick up and move to Mexico.

The "progress," like the report on the progress, was in the form of fifteen Twitter tweets, most sent on Thanksgiving and fully eight sent after midnight.

Vice President-elect Mike Pence, who is still Governor of the state, was playing a supplementary role in encouraging the state not to cross the Rio Grande. He was reportedly holed up in the Governor's Mansion and refusing either to come out or to walk toward the south. However, Democrats suggested Pence was "licking his wounds" after being scolded by a Broadway cast that he was too white to truly represent a diverse America. Trump's most persuasive tweet may be the one where he mentioned that Pence would soon be moving to the Vice Presidential residence at the Naval Observatory in Washington, D.C., where he would no longer burden Hoosiers.

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Actress won't leave US after all

In the wake of Trump's surprise election, individual and collective Americans have vowed to continue "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" somewhere else. Some, like Lena Dunham, have disavowed their threat, finding that Canada does not want them and their prepaid cellphone plan does not extend to Paraguay. Nevertheless, entire states, such as California, are planning to secede, modeling their plan after the recent Brexit vote. Secession worked once before, in the 1860s, and twelve states got out just in time to avoid having their youngsters drafted to fight against the Confederacy.

Trump earlier claimed credit for convincing Ford Motor Company not to close a Kentucky manufacturing plant. Even the Michigan one that Ford had been talking about closing remains open, in another unheralded Trump success. Jawboning the state of Indiana comes just after Trump demanded that Carrier, one of its major manufacturers, not move its work to a sweltering country where assemblers would be more excited about the concept.

Financial analysts hope that, if the President-elect succeeds in cajoling companies, cities, and states to remain in America despite his election, he can avoid keeping his campaign promises, which would surely have raised the price of cinder blocks and mortar, plunged the world into a disastrous trade war, and crashed the very Twitter servers that Trump would have to use to sue for peace.

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